this man who was such a strong male precesnce in my life for so 30 years is now laying in bed, shaking, confused, and unable to do anything for himself really.
the last time kaila and i went to see him will probably be our last time seeing him, hers for sure. he was very confused as to who we were and kept calling me luanne and kaila crystal. its all so sad. although i knew this day would come i never thought it would be so hard on him.
if there is a "god" out there what is the purpose of him making my grandfather fall apart the way he is? this "god" is supposed to be caring, almighty, and all that but my grandfather who lived a perfectly honest, good, caring life is laying in a strange bed, with strange people taking care of him becuase we cant, he is going to die in this bed with these people and for what? why couldnt he pass in his own bed, in his own house of natural causes one night in his sleep. i guess maybe that would have been too tramatizing for luanne to find him that way and that is why....
there are so many bad people out there...why cant they be falling apart in a nursing home with strangers not knowing who their family who loves them so much is? why my grandpa?
im having a difficult time not being numb to it all...i cry yes, i feel sad inside for him and luanne...he has to feel lonely...i hope in a lucid moment he doesnt think we have abandoned him...he probably cant remember when we are there.
aunt luanne and i have both agreed that it is best if the kids and i dont go down there until he knows who we all are again, we say until...but i know it should be "if"...the last time i was there was super hard and im sure it will only get worse. kaila and i left crying last time and i think that it was hard enough.
today luanne went down to see him and see if there was any change and of course there wasnt. the only thing that changed is his mind has gone even further away...he was asking aunt lu if she would find his glasses...when she asked what he wanted them for he told her he need to take joe to work for dawn. joe is my stepdad who lives in detroit..dawn is my mother and she has been passed away now for almost 6 years....
its like it is receeding into iteself and hanging onto long term memory and axing short term..he remembers joe and mom but doesnt know luanne, kaila, or i...
so long story short we are doing all we can to keep him comfortable and make sure he is ok. he cant come home becuase neither luanne nor i have the medical training or the physical strength to take care of him...just to go to the bathroom is a huge task...everything they do for him in a 24 hour period is very appreciated and thank you to all the staff at tendercare for doing what luanne and i are unable to. its all so very sad......im sure there is going to be a funeral in our future, honestly i think he wishes it was sooner rather than later...cant be anyway to live...he tells me he feels usless and his body is old and giving up on him...its all so sad...
i love you papa...i know you wont ever read this but i guess maybe its for me more than you...i love you and everything youve taught me, how to drive, how to fish, how to be a good person....common sence...love...checkers...rummy...5 card draw poker... all our nights of popcorn and john wayne movies...cursing mom together for dieing...being there for eachother when she was gone...you were always there for me...ALWAYS for 30 year...im going to miss you terribly and i wish elizabeth could have gotten more time to know you and im super greatful kaila had the time she did...you got to see me get married and loved my husband...you mean the world to me and i hope you find peace soon...love you papa...
Im sorry but u have many things wrong,He remembered many things me number one. Im the one that was always there. Wayne weldon danny maire his great grandsons and many more. Yes he was your grandfather, but he WAS MY FATHER and I took care of him. You werent there when he was going blind and could not see. Many things I had to make the chioce of that I did not want to do but had to. That killed me. At the end he could not walk see or hear. That was the worst thing I ever been through alone. I gave him the best funral to my father that I knew how with the help of his best buddy. No one elese. I thank him dearly.
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