what do you think?

     On may 5th 2005 my mother passed away from multiplemylenoma a blood cancer that attacks the bones, we never knew she even had it until she couldnt get out of her chair, called the ambulence and when they switched her from gurney to gurney they snapped her femur bone right in half...the biggest bone in your body and hers wasnt that big, she was only 4'10".  When they got her to the hospital they fixed the break and found the cancer.  that evening i got a phone call saying that my grandpa was comming to get me becuase she was now in ICU because fatty tissue from the break went to her lungs.  through the next 8 days she would have a stroke, her kidneys shut down and she had to be dialisis everyday, the cancer got to her skull and went to her brain (causing the stroke) and lots more.  finally on day 7 when the doctors said there was little to no hope of her recovering i had the conversation i never dreamed i would have with my papa, sister, and tommie bauer (booooooo) her fiance, should i take her off the life support...we all decided that it was the right thing to do so the next day at 12pm she was taken off the ventalater and all the equipment that had kept her alive as long as it had already.  the doctors told us that she should pass within hours becuase her lungs would fill up and she would go peacfully with no pain...WRONG....she didnt feel pain (i assume the stroke had made her a veggie) but she didnt pass until 7:20pm the next day...i was on the way to detroit with my sister and brother in law when i got the call that she had finally passed...by her side were her best friends in the world Richard and Maryann Fehir, Tommie Bauer (booooooo) her fiance, and Joe Chiazzese her childhood love, best friend, and 2 time husband.  I will never forget that day as long as i live....for the next year i spiraled into a pit of dispare...i got evicted from my home, my mom had died, and i lost my job of five years dealing blackjack at Soaring Eagle Casino.  so i moved in with my papa (mom had been living there waiting to build a house on the property, they were VERYYYY close) to take care of him, and so neither of us had to be alone and i spent my summer getting into trouble and "healing" if you can call it that.  I still to this day have nightmeres about my mother and that last day, people told cynthia and i that she was talkind and saying silly things to them when they took her off the ventalater...but when i got there to say my goodbyes it wasnt my mom that was there, her soul had passed and it was a shell of a woman who had a raspy voice that scared the shit out of me and cynthia...you should have seen us run like two sisters who had just seen a ghost!

     im getting off track so i will continue here....so anyway as you probably can tell i wasnt the best mom during this time of my life and kaila was only 5 and needed someone to be there for her, i could barely be there for me let alone my child...so i canceled dates with her, broke promises, and just wasnt there the way i should have been, i was tramatized by my mother's passing...she was my best friend and my everything...i felt like an orphaned child kicked out into the world with no protection and left to fend for myslelf...at 25 this isnt a great feeling...so i asked her dad to take her until i got back on my feet.

   When i finally got my life together, a year later i got a job, a house and i was on my way...back on my feet, josh (kaila's dad) and i had a talk about her commming home and staying with me and going to school with me..the whole 9 yards...nope he wasnt having it, he took me to court and won physical custody of kaila, with me having the normal every other weekend, every wednesday visitation, paying child support...all of it,  i had a hard time at first, but then i sat and realized josh and brianna were a family with two kids (brianna has a son kailas age) and a home, steady stableness is what she needed, she was going to school and was happy...so i took that and went with it, it made me feel better....

    well fast forward to now...2010, and josh and brianna are broke up, he has a social life and kaila stays home alone sometimes while he feels guilty about it, he goes to the gym and out on the weekends and to the dart club he joined... she is at the age where she is ok with staying alone and sometimes babysits for us when we go shopping...and i think that now that im married, with a home and a family...kaila has a sister here and a brother, and im a stay at home mom, i would ALWAYS be with her...i think its time for her to come home....josh doesnt think as much.....i say to him "when you took her i got through it by telling myself it was what was best...she had family and stability and thats why id didnt try to get her back through the court...now you need to think the same thing...tables have turned.."  i planted the seed and i dont know if he is watering it...kaila wants us to move to clare, i talk to her about maybe staying here all the time, i think that her telling josh that she wants to be here is what its gonna take for him to budge...i dont push her, dont get me wrong but i do say..."what do you think about going to school here and living here like you do at your dads"....in a perfect world she would be here, bradley too...that would make our family complete....so  what do you think?