after my mother died suddenly in 2005 i have become very aware of my mortality...when my grandmother died i thought i grasped it then but i was only 16 and who really grasps ANYTHING at 16?
i figure my body is all i really have in this world that is absolutely mine...i am responsible for it 100%...other than the DNA and the inner workings of things yet to come....but what goes into it, how much good and how much bad....so after i got pregnant with liz and gained 40lbs, i immediately went to the doctor for a physical...full blood panel...since that day, ive been treating high triglycerides (like in the 500's when they are supposed to be in the 100's...or lower)
triglycerides are the fat in your blood...leads to cholesterol problems, heart disease, risk of stroke....the higher the number, they higher your risk...my cholesterol amazingly is good...i take two different prescriptions for it...a very concentrated fish oil and a statin to keep the cholesterol in check...along with changing my diet this has been a rough journey of a roller coaster of numbers in the past two years,...
MORTALITY check #1....your mom died at 48 from a cancer that she never knew she had until she was in a hospital with a tube down her throat...
MORTALITY CHECK #2....you are at a HUGE risk of heart disease...stroke...hear tattcks...then i get an ultrasound on my thyroid to check why some number was low....
MORTALITY CHECK #3...i have a 2 inch lump of swollen thyroid gland on my right thyroid, its what you could call a goiter (spelled that wrong) but thank god it doesn't stick out far enough so that i look like Frankenstein...it is so big that it has basically shut down the left...thank god because if the left gave up instead of it just shutting down that could cause cancer
my mom was an infant when my grandfather and grandmother adopted her. her mother had an affair with a married man and got pregnant, her parents sent her to a "home" for unwed pregnant women, she had my mother and went about her life...we found this women right before mom died and she told mom that she had no idea who she was...she didnt exist and thanks for the call...soon after mom got a call from a woman claiming to be her sister and the sister explained how mom came to be and that their father knew nothing about it and was violent and would flip out if he knew about mom now.....her biological father is unknown...so we know NOTHING about our medical past...we started out with mom in our history of medical conditions in our dna...so far...cancer, heart problems, and thyroid issues...
i hold myself accountable for a lot of things that could have brought these problems on or at the very least irritated them...poor diet for many years, smoking cigarettes for 16 years...A LOT of cigarettes...i was definitely a chain smoker...actually with all the "bad" things ive done to my body over the years i definitely did it to its full potential...and its about time to knock it off...
i know that i will not live forever...i remind myself everyday that i was given a gift by opening my eyes this morning in my bed, next to todd, healthy enough, with liz to go get out of her bed...when i go to bed i thank whatever it is out there that controls my destiny for the day that i had...we are NOT guaranteed tomorrow or even a healthy tomorrow...ANYTHING can happen to you...take the boring as calm...take the bad as a need to find an appreciation for the good...take the good as a reward for your appreciation of the bad and the acceptance of boring...
i will never again invite bad or negative for any reason into my life...i enjoy feeling happy, calm, and good about myself and my life...i honestly believe that good people at the very least have a better chance to live longer, happier, more full filling lives...what else are we really here for? we are born, grow at our parents hands, have our own kids, raise them, die....so in between point a. birth and point b. death...why not do it happy? why not raise really happy, good kids so you can spend time with your grand kids and love them and have sunday dinners and holidays and happy family times so when you hit point b..death you look back and you are proud of everything that has your name on it...the people whom you touched...the lives you left behind..
no matter who you are or what you do you make some kind of impact in the world while you are here...i know some whos impact is bad...just nasty bad...nasty to people, nasty to their "family", nasty, mean, cold hearted people....i know people who are almost saintly compared to me and what i have done...it takes all kinds to make this world and i for one want to be one of the people who made a positive impact on those in my life...family, friends, pets, shit even strangers...i try to smile and say hello to whoever i encounter in a day...i may get a smile, a frown, sometimes i get dirty looks but i dont care...the one person who smiles back even though they WANT to frown is worth all the "dirty" "what the fuck you looking at bitch" looks i get...
thank you todd for making my life so damn great!! i love that i stay here with elizabeth and we know each and every one of our kids...what is going on with them, what they like, who they love...simple..but not everyone can say that!! thanks for providing the food in the fridge, the propane making heat...thank you for making me a better person today than i was even yesterdays!! i love my life and everything in it..even the bad...makes me appreciate the good....i cant even begin the total list of what i thank you for todd aaron ontis...but as i take each step througout my day i can think of at least ten surrounding me..right down to the appreciation i get for you from watching daytime talk show...those people are FUCKED up...you dont cheat, lie, hit, steal...youre the most responsible person i have ever met...and I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! thanks...thanks...thanks....!!!
dont question your mortality even if you have a clean bill of health...love everyday like its your last because out of the blue it could be...BAM you could get hit by a bus!!
Monday, January 24, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
the stick in my ass....
i dont know what makes me sicker...parents that suck or kids that suck.....
some say that i have a "stick in my ass" when it comes to parenting and that is ok...its your opinion, i would rather you say that i have a stick in my ass because some parents could use my stick to beat their kids....
from time to time i check the facebook page of one Tyler Ontis. tyler is the son of todd's former wife and todd adopted him and gave him his name, a great life, and lots of chances. i came into this kid's life when he was 13 and he was ok...he was polite, and good to bradley todd's youngest son so i could never understand todd's frustration with him, i would call him on his weekends with the kids and he always sounded so worn out and frustrated....it was ALWAYS because of tyler doing this or that...i could tell he was a handful....he never really acted out when i was around but that was probably because they lived in kalamazoo and i in mt. pleasant so i didnt really get around much.
by the time i was pregnant with elizabeth and todd was moving up here with me i really saw what this kid was about....heidi would call todd wringing her hands saying she couldnt handle him anymore and todd needed to step in....i told him just to give the kid a chance and maybe tough love was what he needed....14 years too late...nothing we did helped this kid...we gave him rules, guidelines of what was accepted and what isnt....chores, and a good life with lots of opportunity. todd even got him a job the last summer tyler was ever here...
well because this kid has never been made to own up to anything in his life, he fucked up his job, was running his mouth, lieing all the time, and just making us miserable. we sat him down and explained that lieing wouldnt be tolerated, nor putting his hands on his little brother, or his disrespectful mouth and we gave him the choice...if you dont like it here and dont want to be here...then dont....tyler came back for liz's first bday party, and that was the last time he was ever here....
heidi for some reason needs to be this kid's best friend, no disciple, no consequences for actions and everything is given to him....he has a cell phone, he gets to go hang out, he has a nice comfy life...thats why i am convinced he is going to be locked up before his 18th birthday....his facebook page is full of weed this, weed that.....fuck this and fuck that....my moms a bitch, shes pissed because i hit bradley (who is 7)
for some reason the family seems to bring him to the xmas party they have every year even though we dont even talk to the kid anymore and this year was the best.....he comes up to me and hands me a rolling paper and proudly tells me thats what he uses when he smokes his weed....GREAT PARENTING!!!
i told him to get out of my face....he quickly retreated....
i feel bad for so many people in this equation.....he is never going to amount to anything in life, IF he passes high school i will be super surprised...he doesnt care about anything and thinks he is invincible because there have been very few consequences to his actions and i think the only have been when he was here...i feel for bradley...poor guy, he is such a loving little boy and if we had him more than we do he would be even better...but sadly he lives with heidi and this asshole of a 16 year old brother who is way less of a role model....i feel bad for todd whom i am sure feels like a failure when it comes to this kid...but really what kind of an impact can he have on him when he was only here 8 days a month...he pays monthly for this kid to eat, have clothes, and live and tyler could care less...last todd heard from him is a phone call saying "can i use the snowmobiles" ya right tyler you get NOTHING...EVER
im not saying that i am the best parent in the world by any means but i can promise this, my kids that i raise are going somewhere...and not to a jail cell where this kid is going....i just dont get it, todd is the best thing that ever happened to this kid and he shit on him time and time again....well with the recent fall out of some of the family and our family we wont have to endure his face anymore and when he is 18 we are no longer financially or legally responsible for him or his stupid actions...two years....
when your friends are telling you that you should pay as much attention to school as you do your "love" of your girlfriend and wether you will see her today or not....maybe you should pay attention...but i guess he never really had a chance since his mother is his best friend and not a parent....let this be an example to those of you out there who feel like they dont want their kids to hate them...if they dont at sometime in their lives than you arnt doing your job and they are going to turn out such as the example above....i think maybe you need my stick....
some say that i have a "stick in my ass" when it comes to parenting and that is ok...its your opinion, i would rather you say that i have a stick in my ass because some parents could use my stick to beat their kids....
from time to time i check the facebook page of one Tyler Ontis. tyler is the son of todd's former wife and todd adopted him and gave him his name, a great life, and lots of chances. i came into this kid's life when he was 13 and he was ok...he was polite, and good to bradley todd's youngest son so i could never understand todd's frustration with him, i would call him on his weekends with the kids and he always sounded so worn out and frustrated....it was ALWAYS because of tyler doing this or that...i could tell he was a handful....he never really acted out when i was around but that was probably because they lived in kalamazoo and i in mt. pleasant so i didnt really get around much.
by the time i was pregnant with elizabeth and todd was moving up here with me i really saw what this kid was about....heidi would call todd wringing her hands saying she couldnt handle him anymore and todd needed to step in....i told him just to give the kid a chance and maybe tough love was what he needed....14 years too late...nothing we did helped this kid...we gave him rules, guidelines of what was accepted and what isnt....chores, and a good life with lots of opportunity. todd even got him a job the last summer tyler was ever here...
well because this kid has never been made to own up to anything in his life, he fucked up his job, was running his mouth, lieing all the time, and just making us miserable. we sat him down and explained that lieing wouldnt be tolerated, nor putting his hands on his little brother, or his disrespectful mouth and we gave him the choice...if you dont like it here and dont want to be here...then dont....tyler came back for liz's first bday party, and that was the last time he was ever here....
heidi for some reason needs to be this kid's best friend, no disciple, no consequences for actions and everything is given to him....he has a cell phone, he gets to go hang out, he has a nice comfy life...thats why i am convinced he is going to be locked up before his 18th birthday....his facebook page is full of weed this, weed that.....fuck this and fuck that....my moms a bitch, shes pissed because i hit bradley (who is 7)
for some reason the family seems to bring him to the xmas party they have every year even though we dont even talk to the kid anymore and this year was the best.....he comes up to me and hands me a rolling paper and proudly tells me thats what he uses when he smokes his weed....GREAT PARENTING!!!
i told him to get out of my face....he quickly retreated....
i feel bad for so many people in this equation.....he is never going to amount to anything in life, IF he passes high school i will be super surprised...he doesnt care about anything and thinks he is invincible because there have been very few consequences to his actions and i think the only have been when he was here...i feel for bradley...poor guy, he is such a loving little boy and if we had him more than we do he would be even better...but sadly he lives with heidi and this asshole of a 16 year old brother who is way less of a role model....i feel bad for todd whom i am sure feels like a failure when it comes to this kid...but really what kind of an impact can he have on him when he was only here 8 days a month...he pays monthly for this kid to eat, have clothes, and live and tyler could care less...last todd heard from him is a phone call saying "can i use the snowmobiles" ya right tyler you get NOTHING...EVER
im not saying that i am the best parent in the world by any means but i can promise this, my kids that i raise are going somewhere...and not to a jail cell where this kid is going....i just dont get it, todd is the best thing that ever happened to this kid and he shit on him time and time again....well with the recent fall out of some of the family and our family we wont have to endure his face anymore and when he is 18 we are no longer financially or legally responsible for him or his stupid actions...two years....
when your friends are telling you that you should pay as much attention to school as you do your "love" of your girlfriend and wether you will see her today or not....maybe you should pay attention...but i guess he never really had a chance since his mother is his best friend and not a parent....let this be an example to those of you out there who feel like they dont want their kids to hate them...if they dont at sometime in their lives than you arnt doing your job and they are going to turn out such as the example above....i think maybe you need my stick....
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
the guide to bein good...as i wrote it!!
what truly makes a person a "good" person? there are so many different opinions on this I'm sure. i will list my top 10 things that makes a "good" person....see if yours match up....
- personal accountability- you have to be able to accept that your decisions are yours and so are your mistakes...if you make them, own up to them and be accountable for you...don't blame others or the world in general for what you have brought onto yourself.
- honesty- i know its hard and sometimes hurts others but if you lie even just once there will always be that thought of "is that the truth" when it comes down to something super important....
- a love for life- its super hard to be around people who are always down, grumpy, gloomy....kinda like the donkey off Winnie the pooh...."just another gloomy day"...it will definitely bring you down
- manners- there are so few of these today...parents dont teach their kids the basics, please, thank you, excuse me....it is a sign of a good person if you and your children have manners, they are the essence of a good person
- a willingness to forgive- we all make mistakes and if we can own up to them then it is an easy thing to just forgive...not everyone has this ability..they foster hateful feelings and thrive on them
- a need to succeed- i mean this as success at anything...cooking a meal you never have, going to the mailbox when you normally dont, doing a crossword puzzle, right down to the heavier things in life...take the good and make it better
- patience- not everyone will think like you, act like you, react like you would, or do things like you do and you need to be able to process this and go with it, dont make people feel stupid because it isnt your way...or what you know or are used too...people are individuals for a reason
- you want the best in life no matter what- we can walk away, take another route, or just close a door to things that are bad or hurtful but you need to still want the best for whatever or whoever chose to do you wrong...they are still people and need to be forgiven and loved no matter what..you dont have to make it known to them but you can still have love in your heart and want the best for them no matter what
- a rational outlook on right and wrong...morals- it goes along with manners, morals these days are looked on as being weak or disinterested...not true...we need to install these everyday things in kids so they grow to be good people...if you hurt someone say youre sorry, if you break something own up to it, be good to people and make good decisions
- discipline- whether it be self disciple or just disciplining your kids...there needs to be a consequence for every action whether good or bad and kids need to know this, too many of them are coming up in this world with an attitude of i can do what i want, when i want and nothing will happen...this sucks but continues to happen, there has to be disciple first...then be the best friend to your kids when they have kids...we would have less kids having kids and killing kids....period..
Monday, January 10, 2011
lunch with kelly!!
i have to laugh at my bff kelly quinn...she sits on my couch and im filling her in on what lovely happenings are going on at the ontis house and i inform her that i blogged about her the other day...expecting since she follows it that she would already know this, she says "oh, ill have to read that"..i giggle and she says "well i read the first three...theres probably more now huh?" oh kelly i love you and your busy ass life!!
todd and i have decided that i need a little more "me" time and as a resolution this works out two ways! kelly and i are going to try to have a least one lunch a week/month together so i can get out..this week is Italian Oven..i LOVE LOVE LOVE their pesto ranch dressing and cant find it anywhere else...my mouth is watering now as i type!!
recently todd has gotten in touch with a few of the "ontis" family....his dad passed away in 2005 (weird...so did my mom) and he hasn't been in touch with any of that family since the funeral and its about time that he did. with the recent falling out of us and his mother and stepfather he definitely could use a little family acceptance and love...hopefully this will all work out and we will schedule a impromptu reunion with them all in Detroit where they live...then we can go visit my sister and her family too!!
2011 has been kinda boring but that is great, boring means no drama and that is fab...if you have drama to bring...no pun intended...keep it for your mama....we dont want it or need it....so thats that!!
love all those who love you and pray for those who dont...its ok!!
todd and i have decided that i need a little more "me" time and as a resolution this works out two ways! kelly and i are going to try to have a least one lunch a week/month together so i can get out..this week is Italian Oven..i LOVE LOVE LOVE their pesto ranch dressing and cant find it anywhere else...my mouth is watering now as i type!!
recently todd has gotten in touch with a few of the "ontis" family....his dad passed away in 2005 (weird...so did my mom) and he hasn't been in touch with any of that family since the funeral and its about time that he did. with the recent falling out of us and his mother and stepfather he definitely could use a little family acceptance and love...hopefully this will all work out and we will schedule a impromptu reunion with them all in Detroit where they live...then we can go visit my sister and her family too!!
2011 has been kinda boring but that is great, boring means no drama and that is fab...if you have drama to bring...no pun intended...keep it for your mama....we dont want it or need it....so thats that!!
love all those who love you and pray for those who dont...its ok!!
Friday, January 7, 2011
to those i have loved!!
following in the tradition of my new attitude this year im gonna let a few people know that i appreciate them and why...
Todd Ontis...my loving husband who is the first man ever to love me for who i am, i talk a lot, im loud, i wear my feeling on my sleeve, i dont like to go to bed angry and i have to talk everything out....you have given my children and i a wonderful life that i never could have dreamed of before you...elizabeth adores you and she is such a sweet little girl, without you there would be no liz!! when im sick, you stand by my side and take care of everything in the house that i usually do...when im sad youre there with a supporting hug and a shoulder to cry on...you are committed to making this family the best it can be and you protect us with all your might...love you todd and im thankful for you
Kelly Quinn....you are the best friend a girl could ever have!! ive had my fair share of "friends" in my life but i have never had one like you...youre patient, trusting, loving, caring, and just a wonderful person all around. youre there for me when i need you and you keep me company when im lonely..i know that in a jam or just for fun you will always be there...youre closer to my children than some of their family even is...liz loves her aunt kelly and kaila and bradley get very excited when they know you are coming by...love you girl more than you know!!
Cynthia Trexler.... my sister, what can i say...we started off rocky, but definitely gained a new level of respect and love for each other when mom passed...you are my rock, my backbone when i need it and you set me straight when i need it too...i hope that i can have the strength you have and the love you show when i need it...youre the best and your kids are the best too!! love you and im so proud of everything youve accomplished!!
The Zellers....maryann, kevin, and alisha let me just tell you without you we wouldnt be where we are...you took our baby when we got married and spoiled her with all the love in the world., kevin you make sure your wife is the happiest woman alive and i really respect your marriage and hope that when todd and i are 5 years in we can look at each other with the love you two have...alisha you are a wonderful girl with great values and a kind heart...you love my kids and they love you...im very proud to say that you are an influence in their lives...thanks zellers!!
The Vaughns...we have just started our journey together and i have to say that amy you are an inspiration to me, not only do you manage your household, you are a fantastic mother to two beautiful, caring, loving, sweet, smart kids who have opened their arms to us many times.. you go to school and you have a presence about yourself of a strong woman who is in charge of her own destiny...you and ron are so cute together and have a love that i hope that todd and i have after 15 years together ( i think youve been together for 15...)...you guys mesh so well and love each other so deeply...love you amy, ronnie, keirsten, and ron!! we appreciate you!!
Luanne Auyon...aunt lulu you and i have had a rocky past but we definitelyy have teamed up to become a great team to help papa...i respect everything you do for my grandfather and your father...without you i dont know where he'd be...you put up with his outbursts and love him unconditionally...i will always be here for you and thank you for who you are!!
bottom line there are so many people that i would like to throw a high-five to and thank for being so wonderful to our family...we thank you for being there and will return the favor whenever needed!!
Todd Ontis...my loving husband who is the first man ever to love me for who i am, i talk a lot, im loud, i wear my feeling on my sleeve, i dont like to go to bed angry and i have to talk everything out....you have given my children and i a wonderful life that i never could have dreamed of before you...elizabeth adores you and she is such a sweet little girl, without you there would be no liz!! when im sick, you stand by my side and take care of everything in the house that i usually do...when im sad youre there with a supporting hug and a shoulder to cry on...you are committed to making this family the best it can be and you protect us with all your might...love you todd and im thankful for you
Kelly Quinn....you are the best friend a girl could ever have!! ive had my fair share of "friends" in my life but i have never had one like you...youre patient, trusting, loving, caring, and just a wonderful person all around. youre there for me when i need you and you keep me company when im lonely..i know that in a jam or just for fun you will always be there...youre closer to my children than some of their family even is...liz loves her aunt kelly and kaila and bradley get very excited when they know you are coming by...love you girl more than you know!!
Cynthia Trexler.... my sister, what can i say...we started off rocky, but definitely gained a new level of respect and love for each other when mom passed...you are my rock, my backbone when i need it and you set me straight when i need it too...i hope that i can have the strength you have and the love you show when i need it...youre the best and your kids are the best too!! love you and im so proud of everything youve accomplished!!
The Zellers....maryann, kevin, and alisha let me just tell you without you we wouldnt be where we are...you took our baby when we got married and spoiled her with all the love in the world., kevin you make sure your wife is the happiest woman alive and i really respect your marriage and hope that when todd and i are 5 years in we can look at each other with the love you two have...alisha you are a wonderful girl with great values and a kind heart...you love my kids and they love you...im very proud to say that you are an influence in their lives...thanks zellers!!
The Vaughns...we have just started our journey together and i have to say that amy you are an inspiration to me, not only do you manage your household, you are a fantastic mother to two beautiful, caring, loving, sweet, smart kids who have opened their arms to us many times.. you go to school and you have a presence about yourself of a strong woman who is in charge of her own destiny...you and ron are so cute together and have a love that i hope that todd and i have after 15 years together ( i think youve been together for 15...)...you guys mesh so well and love each other so deeply...love you amy, ronnie, keirsten, and ron!! we appreciate you!!
Luanne Auyon...aunt lulu you and i have had a rocky past but we definitelyy have teamed up to become a great team to help papa...i respect everything you do for my grandfather and your father...without you i dont know where he'd be...you put up with his outbursts and love him unconditionally...i will always be here for you and thank you for who you are!!
bottom line there are so many people that i would like to throw a high-five to and thank for being so wonderful to our family...we thank you for being there and will return the favor whenever needed!!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Hey...ive got a secret...
i hit an very low, dark, self destructive state in my life for about a year after my mother died. when i finally got my head out of the pool of grief it was drowning in i got a job, a home, a regular schedule with kaila and i was living what i considered to be doing great....the grief never really left and there was still a lot of sadness in my heart and i really had no feeling of hope for my life, i was super moody, i lashed out A LOT and one day my boss Kathy Shoe says to me "alright crystal, whats going on with you?" and i really didnt know how to explain it to her because i didnt know what was wrong....all i knew was i had a HUGE ball of anger in my gut and now and then it would flare up and i couldnt control what i said, who i said it too...i was a bitch...i didnt want to be and it made me sad that i couldnt make it go away. so i simply said..."i dont know...i dont want to be like this, i just cant make the angry feeling go away" she asked me if i had seen the movie "The Secret" and i said no, id heard of it though it was on Oprah's book list but never seen the movie nor read the book. she suggested that i get it, it may help me.
two days later she hands me a dvd case and it is "The Secret"...i took it home and watched it and cried, and cried and cried....then i watched it again....and cried....
this isnt a movie per say...it is a self help documentary and if you dont like sitting through something on the history channel you wont make it through it but if you can...it will change your life, i honestly felt like i was cleansed of the bad feelings that wouldnt go away. basically it gives you the tools to have a happy life. you have to dedicate yourself to having a positive attitude and being grateful for what is in your life and positive things will come your way...you want money...you can get it, you want stuff you can get it, you dont want to get sick...you can make it happen. sounds weird and cheesy but i tell you what...it works and its true. so i went back to work the next day, gave kathy her dvd back and a huge hug and i told her that i had nothing to lose, why not give it a try...and i was truly happy after that and lived by the secret for a long time. i had a lot of good come into my life at that time, i made lots of money at work, i had great sections, i met todd, i had a nice house, kaila and i had the best relationship we had ever had...things were good.
somewhere along the way i jumped off the secret bandwagon...and believe me bandwagon i was on..i made my sister watch the movie and read the book, my brother in law, todd was in a bad place to with his divorce and feeling low about himself and he watched it, bought the book for me....he actually used to carry the dvd with him in his computer bag when he was out of town and he would watch it from time to time and he truly was happy....but he fell off too...from time to time we would say to each other "its the secret" or "youre not following the secret"....
in 2011 i am desperate for a great year...im not saying things arnt going to happen but 2010 went out really shitty for awhile...and karmically its time for good. there has to be a balance to everything in life no matter what it is...where there is good there is bad...period. there was an EXACT balance to my year in 2010....and now its time for good!!! thus starts my new attitude, hopefully i can hold onto it, it is not an easy task that is for sure. i have never had the best self esteem or self confidence of someone who is considered a "strong" person. i have my strengths dont get me wrong...im a great mom, if i need to get something done i just do it...get it done and over with...im very passionate im not good at hiding my feelings....Eric Francis was another manager at applebees i was close with and he used to tell me all the time that if he could change one thing about me it would be me wearing my feelings on my sleeve. this doesnt mean that im going to get in your face and "tell it like it is" im not that girl. i believe that there are good, honest, reliable people out there because i have them in my life...kelly quinn is the most honest, reliable, trustworthy caring, patient woman i have, or will ever meet in my life. i honestly can say that i would never do anything bad to that woamn ever...i would feel guilty thinking about doing anything to her. so i can say there is good...i need to find it...somewhere somehow or else i will make good. i will try my best to wake up every morning and be thankful for everything i have, my bills paid, propane, the towel on the wall that i dry myself with, the carpet on my floor, the blanket i kick off when i get up in the morning....i mean EVERYTHING, you cant help but to feel good if you really get into it and believe it. look myself in the mirror and tell myself three things i love about me...and pep myself up...what do i want to accomplish today...make a list and get it done...and surround myself with people who want to be around me and love those who love me, forgive those who dont and refuse to let their behavior make me feel anything bad ever again, not everyone has to like me its ok... and i dont have to keep putting myself out there for them to remind me...over, and over, and over...not this year baby...its gonna be a good year and i hope that the bad when it does come isnt bad enough that i cant overcome it...let the good and the bad be moderate enough that i can get through it all.
i want to spend more time with family, friends, and myself. i want todd and i to come closer together and stronger as a parental unit, stronger as husband and wife and as individuals. he is so successful right now and i am so proud of the hard work that he puts into his everyday. he has such passion and drive, i respect that about him a lot.
well...im done rambling now...bottom line, 2010 sucked for the most part because it also had the best thing ever that could happen in it too...balance
2011 needs to have happy, sad, and in between...moderate....boring....
two days later she hands me a dvd case and it is "The Secret"...i took it home and watched it and cried, and cried and cried....then i watched it again....and cried....
this isnt a movie per say...it is a self help documentary and if you dont like sitting through something on the history channel you wont make it through it but if you can...it will change your life, i honestly felt like i was cleansed of the bad feelings that wouldnt go away. basically it gives you the tools to have a happy life. you have to dedicate yourself to having a positive attitude and being grateful for what is in your life and positive things will come your way...you want money...you can get it, you want stuff you can get it, you dont want to get sick...you can make it happen. sounds weird and cheesy but i tell you what...it works and its true. so i went back to work the next day, gave kathy her dvd back and a huge hug and i told her that i had nothing to lose, why not give it a try...and i was truly happy after that and lived by the secret for a long time. i had a lot of good come into my life at that time, i made lots of money at work, i had great sections, i met todd, i had a nice house, kaila and i had the best relationship we had ever had...things were good.
somewhere along the way i jumped off the secret bandwagon...and believe me bandwagon i was on..i made my sister watch the movie and read the book, my brother in law, todd was in a bad place to with his divorce and feeling low about himself and he watched it, bought the book for me....he actually used to carry the dvd with him in his computer bag when he was out of town and he would watch it from time to time and he truly was happy....but he fell off too...from time to time we would say to each other "its the secret" or "youre not following the secret"....
in 2011 i am desperate for a great year...im not saying things arnt going to happen but 2010 went out really shitty for awhile...and karmically its time for good. there has to be a balance to everything in life no matter what it is...where there is good there is bad...period. there was an EXACT balance to my year in 2010....and now its time for good!!! thus starts my new attitude, hopefully i can hold onto it, it is not an easy task that is for sure. i have never had the best self esteem or self confidence of someone who is considered a "strong" person. i have my strengths dont get me wrong...im a great mom, if i need to get something done i just do it...get it done and over with...im very passionate im not good at hiding my feelings....Eric Francis was another manager at applebees i was close with and he used to tell me all the time that if he could change one thing about me it would be me wearing my feelings on my sleeve. this doesnt mean that im going to get in your face and "tell it like it is" im not that girl. i believe that there are good, honest, reliable people out there because i have them in my life...kelly quinn is the most honest, reliable, trustworthy caring, patient woman i have, or will ever meet in my life. i honestly can say that i would never do anything bad to that woamn ever...i would feel guilty thinking about doing anything to her. so i can say there is good...i need to find it...somewhere somehow or else i will make good. i will try my best to wake up every morning and be thankful for everything i have, my bills paid, propane, the towel on the wall that i dry myself with, the carpet on my floor, the blanket i kick off when i get up in the morning....i mean EVERYTHING, you cant help but to feel good if you really get into it and believe it. look myself in the mirror and tell myself three things i love about me...and pep myself up...what do i want to accomplish today...make a list and get it done...and surround myself with people who want to be around me and love those who love me, forgive those who dont and refuse to let their behavior make me feel anything bad ever again, not everyone has to like me its ok... and i dont have to keep putting myself out there for them to remind me...over, and over, and over...not this year baby...its gonna be a good year and i hope that the bad when it does come isnt bad enough that i cant overcome it...let the good and the bad be moderate enough that i can get through it all.
i want to spend more time with family, friends, and myself. i want todd and i to come closer together and stronger as a parental unit, stronger as husband and wife and as individuals. he is so successful right now and i am so proud of the hard work that he puts into his everyday. he has such passion and drive, i respect that about him a lot.
well...im done rambling now...bottom line, 2010 sucked for the most part because it also had the best thing ever that could happen in it too...balance
2011 needs to have happy, sad, and in between...moderate....boring....
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