after my mother died suddenly in 2005 i have become very aware of my mortality...when my grandmother died i thought i grasped it then but i was only 16 and who really grasps ANYTHING at 16?
i figure my body is all i really have in this world that is absolutely mine...i am responsible for it 100%...other than the DNA and the inner workings of things yet to come....but what goes into it, how much good and how much bad....so after i got pregnant with liz and gained 40lbs, i immediately went to the doctor for a physical...full blood panel...since that day, ive been treating high triglycerides (like in the 500's when they are supposed to be in the 100's...or lower)
triglycerides are the fat in your blood...leads to cholesterol problems, heart disease, risk of stroke....the higher the number, they higher your risk...my cholesterol amazingly is good...i take two different prescriptions for it...a very concentrated fish oil and a statin to keep the cholesterol in check...along with changing my diet this has been a rough journey of a roller coaster of numbers in the past two years,...
MORTALITY check #1....your mom died at 48 from a cancer that she never knew she had until she was in a hospital with a tube down her throat...
MORTALITY CHECK #2....you are at a HUGE risk of heart disease...stroke...hear tattcks...then i get an ultrasound on my thyroid to check why some number was low....
MORTALITY CHECK #3...i have a 2 inch lump of swollen thyroid gland on my right thyroid, its what you could call a goiter (spelled that wrong) but thank god it doesn't stick out far enough so that i look like Frankenstein...it is so big that it has basically shut down the left...thank god because if the left gave up instead of it just shutting down that could cause cancer
my mom was an infant when my grandfather and grandmother adopted her. her mother had an affair with a married man and got pregnant, her parents sent her to a "home" for unwed pregnant women, she had my mother and went about her life...we found this women right before mom died and she told mom that she had no idea who she was...she didnt exist and thanks for the call...soon after mom got a call from a woman claiming to be her sister and the sister explained how mom came to be and that their father knew nothing about it and was violent and would flip out if he knew about mom now.....her biological father is unknown...so we know NOTHING about our medical past...we started out with mom in our history of medical conditions in our dna...so far...cancer, heart problems, and thyroid issues...
i hold myself accountable for a lot of things that could have brought these problems on or at the very least irritated them...poor diet for many years, smoking cigarettes for 16 years...A LOT of cigarettes...i was definitely a chain smoker...actually with all the "bad" things ive done to my body over the years i definitely did it to its full potential...and its about time to knock it off...
i know that i will not live forever...i remind myself everyday that i was given a gift by opening my eyes this morning in my bed, next to todd, healthy enough, with liz to go get out of her bed...when i go to bed i thank whatever it is out there that controls my destiny for the day that i had...we are NOT guaranteed tomorrow or even a healthy tomorrow...ANYTHING can happen to you...take the boring as calm...take the bad as a need to find an appreciation for the good...take the good as a reward for your appreciation of the bad and the acceptance of boring...
i will never again invite bad or negative for any reason into my life...i enjoy feeling happy, calm, and good about myself and my life...i honestly believe that good people at the very least have a better chance to live longer, happier, more full filling lives...what else are we really here for? we are born, grow at our parents hands, have our own kids, raise them, die....so in between point a. birth and point b. death...why not do it happy? why not raise really happy, good kids so you can spend time with your grand kids and love them and have sunday dinners and holidays and happy family times so when you hit point b..death you look back and you are proud of everything that has your name on it...the people whom you touched...the lives you left behind..
no matter who you are or what you do you make some kind of impact in the world while you are here...i know some whos impact is bad...just nasty bad...nasty to people, nasty to their "family", nasty, mean, cold hearted people....i know people who are almost saintly compared to me and what i have done...it takes all kinds to make this world and i for one want to be one of the people who made a positive impact on those in my life...family, friends, pets, shit even strangers...i try to smile and say hello to whoever i encounter in a day...i may get a smile, a frown, sometimes i get dirty looks but i dont care...the one person who smiles back even though they WANT to frown is worth all the "dirty" "what the fuck you looking at bitch" looks i get...
thank you todd for making my life so damn great!! i love that i stay here with elizabeth and we know each and every one of our kids...what is going on with them, what they like, who they love...simple..but not everyone can say that!! thanks for providing the food in the fridge, the propane making heat...thank you for making me a better person today than i was even yesterdays!! i love my life and everything in it..even the bad...makes me appreciate the good....i cant even begin the total list of what i thank you for todd aaron ontis...but as i take each step througout my day i can think of at least ten surrounding me..right down to the appreciation i get for you from watching daytime talk show...those people are FUCKED up...you dont cheat, lie, hit, steal...youre the most responsible person i have ever met...and I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! thanks...thanks...thanks....!!!
dont question your mortality even if you have a clean bill of health...love everyday like its your last because out of the blue it could be...BAM you could get hit by a bus!!
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