i hit an very low, dark, self destructive state in my life for about a year after my mother died. when i finally got my head out of the pool of grief it was drowning in i got a job, a home, a regular schedule with kaila and i was living what i considered to be doing great....the grief never really left and there was still a lot of sadness in my heart and i really had no feeling of hope for my life, i was super moody, i lashed out A LOT and one day my boss Kathy Shoe says to me "alright crystal, whats going on with you?" and i really didnt know how to explain it to her because i didnt know what was wrong....all i knew was i had a HUGE ball of anger in my gut and now and then it would flare up and i couldnt control what i said, who i said it too...i was a bitch...i didnt want to be and it made me sad that i couldnt make it go away. so i simply said..."i dont know...i dont want to be like this, i just cant make the angry feeling go away" she asked me if i had seen the movie "The Secret" and i said no, id heard of it though it was on Oprah's book list but never seen the movie nor read the book. she suggested that i get it, it may help me.
two days later she hands me a dvd case and it is "The Secret"...i took it home and watched it and cried, and cried and cried....then i watched it again....and cried....
this isnt a movie per say...it is a self help documentary and if you dont like sitting through something on the history channel you wont make it through it but if you can...it will change your life, i honestly felt like i was cleansed of the bad feelings that wouldnt go away. basically it gives you the tools to have a happy life. you have to dedicate yourself to having a positive attitude and being grateful for what is in your life and positive things will come your way...you want money...you can get it, you want stuff you can get it, you dont want to get sick...you can make it happen. sounds weird and cheesy but i tell you what...it works and its true. so i went back to work the next day, gave kathy her dvd back and a huge hug and i told her that i had nothing to lose, why not give it a try...and i was truly happy after that and lived by the secret for a long time. i had a lot of good come into my life at that time, i made lots of money at work, i had great sections, i met todd, i had a nice house, kaila and i had the best relationship we had ever had...things were good.
somewhere along the way i jumped off the secret bandwagon...and believe me bandwagon i was on..i made my sister watch the movie and read the book, my brother in law, todd was in a bad place to with his divorce and feeling low about himself and he watched it, bought the book for me....he actually used to carry the dvd with him in his computer bag when he was out of town and he would watch it from time to time and he truly was happy....but he fell off too...from time to time we would say to each other "its the secret" or "youre not following the secret"....
in 2011 i am desperate for a great year...im not saying things arnt going to happen but 2010 went out really shitty for awhile...and karmically its time for good. there has to be a balance to everything in life no matter what it is...where there is good there is bad...period. there was an EXACT balance to my year in 2010....and now its time for good!!! thus starts my new attitude, hopefully i can hold onto it, it is not an easy task that is for sure. i have never had the best self esteem or self confidence of someone who is considered a "strong" person. i have my strengths dont get me wrong...im a great mom, if i need to get something done i just do it...get it done and over with...im very passionate im not good at hiding my feelings....Eric Francis was another manager at applebees i was close with and he used to tell me all the time that if he could change one thing about me it would be me wearing my feelings on my sleeve. this doesnt mean that im going to get in your face and "tell it like it is" im not that girl. i believe that there are good, honest, reliable people out there because i have them in my life...kelly quinn is the most honest, reliable, trustworthy caring, patient woman i have, or will ever meet in my life. i honestly can say that i would never do anything bad to that woamn ever...i would feel guilty thinking about doing anything to her. so i can say there is good...i need to find it...somewhere somehow or else i will make good. i will try my best to wake up every morning and be thankful for everything i have, my bills paid, propane, the towel on the wall that i dry myself with, the carpet on my floor, the blanket i kick off when i get up in the morning....i mean EVERYTHING, you cant help but to feel good if you really get into it and believe it. look myself in the mirror and tell myself three things i love about me...and pep myself up...what do i want to accomplish today...make a list and get it done...and surround myself with people who want to be around me and love those who love me, forgive those who dont and refuse to let their behavior make me feel anything bad ever again, not everyone has to like me its ok... and i dont have to keep putting myself out there for them to remind me...over, and over, and over...not this year baby...its gonna be a good year and i hope that the bad when it does come isnt bad enough that i cant overcome it...let the good and the bad be moderate enough that i can get through it all.
i want to spend more time with family, friends, and myself. i want todd and i to come closer together and stronger as a parental unit, stronger as husband and wife and as individuals. he is so successful right now and i am so proud of the hard work that he puts into his everyday. he has such passion and drive, i respect that about him a lot.
well...im done rambling now...bottom line, 2010 sucked for the most part because it also had the best thing ever that could happen in it too...balance
2011 needs to have happy, sad, and in between...moderate....boring....
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