out with the old...in with the new

     well its a new year and we all have to look back on 2010 and figure out what kind of year it has been...has it been exciting, boring, horrible, great?  then once you figure that all out you have to look ahead to the new year and see what can be better.  we grow older, our kids get bigger, and our bills seem to mulitply...catching up from christmas and the holidays, figuring out what to get rid of and what to keep....

    our decorations are down and the house is back to normal, the kids are going back to school and elizabeth is growing like a weed....


     do you make resolutions?  i do...i write them down, stick them in an envelope and tape it to december of the following year on my calendar....this years will be as following...

    1.  get into shape (isnt that always one?)
    2. eat healthy
    3. grow closer to todd and my kids
    4. get to detroit more to visit my family
    5. get to vicksburg more to see the zellers
    6.  get in touch with the ontis family and start a relationship with them
    7.  forgive and forget those who have shit on me in 2010


     so how many will make it?  we shall see next year...all i can say is that 2010 had its really dark, shitty moments but i tell you what it was a great year all together, i got married, my husband had a great year at work and my kids were here more than they have ever been.  kaila is doing great in school and her teacher has so many nice things to say, liz is talking lots more, she knows how to count to 11 and she knows her colors and shapes and she is only 2....bradley is doing much better with his reading and math and strives to be better than ever, he really likes to read and get his math under control...todd has grown as a father and a husband and he is doing so well at work that we dont see much of eachother but that is the reason there is food on the table and lights in the house...

     so things can only get better right?  i hope they grow in such a positive way that 2012 cant get much better!!

    thank you to the zellers, the vaughns, todd, and the kids for making 2010 a great year and i hope for better in 2011....love you all and thank you so much!!

its gettin better!!

    well i can say that this weekend so far has been wonderful.  bradley and i played our new Wii games together while todd erected (tee hee) a kinetix roller coaster for bradley to play with, Bradley was supposed to be helping but he was too excited to sit still long enough to put much together.

     this week has been super busy for todd and i have taken each day as its own.  i took advantage of each day and made sure he had nothing to do when he got home knowing full well that the man was going to be super tired after being all over the state of michigan in just 12 hours or so.  we just got a brand new 2010 Escape two weeks ago and it already has over 2000 miles on it.  my goal this week was to make sure he could just relax when he got home and he has.  i cant tell you how wonderful it is to hear him say "i could never do it without you", "if ive ever needed you to be there for me its now, and you are, i appreciate you more than you know", "youre spoiling me babe."  that is the best christmas gift i could ever get! 

     my grandfather is doing well, he finally got of of ICU at Mt Pleasant hospital, then just down the hall...he was there for quite awhile but the doctors cleared him of his pnemonia and took him off the antibiotic IV drip.  he is at tendercare right now in clare rehabing his hip and luanne bless her heart is working on getting him a chair and a bed that will make him so much more comfortable and easier to live, i cant wait for him to get home!

     i have so many things to be greatful for this year and i think that marrying todd and our families fusing together, bradley and kaila have new aunts, uncles, grandma's and grandpa's to get to know and love...im thankful for kaila's great job at school and being a wonderful daughter, bradley's HUGE heart, being able to spend as much time as i have with my sister and family in detroit we have all gotten a lot closer over the last year....and lastly i can say that i am most thankful for our health, our home, food in the fridge (and my knowledge of how to make it taste good and keep it healthy), propane in the tank, gas in the cars and all the little things we take for granted everyday of our lives...this is the time of year to say thank you and i love you....so to all whom i am grateful for and for those who i can say im not so grateful for....i love you and heres to new beginings...

i need a good shot....of xmas spirit

     i think that this time of year is the best.  driving down the road and seeing so many people's lights lit up on their houses.   it amazes me every year how i get all sentimental and "jolly" i guess you could say...im thankful the snow is minimal and it hasnt gotten really bitter cold yet during the day.

     my husband tries his best to make sure that our house is my "winter wonderland"  our first year here we went kinda crazy at Bronners and the house was lit up like a ferris wheel at night.  we bought villages ( a new collector tradition for todd), started my smore ornament collection, and our snowman tradition.   that year was the best, todd really enjoyed decorating and was in the spirit 100%...the next year was a little more organized but held the same feeling of home during xmas.   this year, i guess our hearts just arnt into it as much.  i see the decorations but i dont get that warm fuzzy feeling i did the last two years.   elizabeth thinks its fun and we do it for the kids...i just wish that we could find whatever it is that we need to get into the holiday spirit.  you only get this once a year and only for a short time...to me its a time for family, friends, and letting them know how much they mean to you and how much you appreciate them.  

    todd is SUPER UBER busy at work right now and that is great but he is so distracted most of the time because he doesnt shake his day for a long time when he gets home, if he shakes it at all, we have a very needy, tempermental, bossy two year old and she is having the time of her life right now with all the new stuff going on....when it snowed the other day she stood at the door and stared, hypnotized by it falling, i cant wait until she can get out and really play in it, we have LOTS AND LOTS of yard to play in and todd and i like to cross country ski along the runway...

     elizabeth is espically trying right now, we are trying to potty train her to no success, we've tried jelly beans (if you know elizabeth she loves ANY kinds of beans...), we tried positve reinforcement, stickers for reward...but nope..."liz you wanna go potty"  "no mama...i fine".  she is super mean to kaila and it breaks my heart everytime kaila cries becuase elizabeth was really mean, she wants nothing to do with her right now and she is very blunt about it.

     this is also the time of year when you see how much you mean to others...not only do i try to let loved ones know they are loved but i like to feel it in return...well to those who know what catagory you fit into....are you the one who i know thinks of us or the ones who we know want nothing to do with us....yup xmas is the time of year for family, love, kindness, selflessness.....peace...i will make sure this is the tradition my children live for and teach their children and if you dont want a part in that...thats your loss...

Harold Raymond Martin

     oh where to being?  well i have been having quite the time lately with live at every angle.  since my ring was stolen (yup beating that dead horse again), it has been nothing but bad, bad, bad...and to the universe i would like to say...."are you done yet?"  



     my grandfather who basically raised me with my grandma by his side for the first 17 years of my life is in the ICU unit of the mt. pleasant hospital.  Harold Martin was in his 50's when he and my grandmother Margarete Martin moved up north from where they raised their children in Detroit, Mi to Clare mi after papa retired.  they have property behind Mid Michigan Community Hospital that they have had in the family for years and years, my mother, aunt and grandparents along with many of my mother's friends have stories of coming up to visit in the "shanty" an old house built back in black and white picture days that was like a cabin to us.  this is where i remember living when i was very young while they built the house my grandfather lives in today.  my mother as i remember it lived with Joe (my step-father) at my grandma carol's house and i lived with granny and papa for a few years as a child, then mom and i would move here...then back to papa's....move out again....move back....move out...move back....this is why when someone asks me where i am from i sigh and say "do you have an hour"...
.
     my grandfather taught me how to fish, play rummy, checkers and so many other things.  he taught me how to drive defensively...and critiques me every time i am behind the wheel..i love this man like nobody else in the world.  we have such a deep relationship, i cant imagine my life without him.  my mother was very close to him too, when she passed she was living with him getting ready to build a house on some of the land by his house so she could be close to him if needed.

       he helps me with my garden as i did with his so many years ago, we would plant the seeds, water, and pick together and i plot my garden a lot like he did.  he gives me tips and tricks of the trade that i never learned then.

     after my mother died i moved in with my grandfather so he wasn't alone, shortly after that my aunt luanne moved in with him and has been there since.  i have a great respect for this woman because my grandfather is not the easiest person to live with.  he is very opinionated at times and doesn't filter anything..says it how it is and that's that...very frugal too, if you spent money on something and he thought it was useless...he'd let you know.  aunt luanne deals with this and takes such great care of him...everything he needs its done, she keeps him company and is there for him whenever he needs it.  she updates the house with new things and keeps it nice and tidy.  i don't know what i would do without her right now...she has been his backbone through all this mess the last week and she is still smiling.

     so he has had his hip replaced 3 times now.  usually he doesn't lift his foot up high enough while walking and the smallest thing will trip him and down he goes and out pops the hip.  or he will be getting out of bed and out pops the hip.  he can only pop it out so many times before it has to be replaced...well this is his third.  after the replacement he goes to rehab and they teach him how to walk again and send him home and he uses a cane or a walker for awhile.  as my papa lay in his hospital bed in e.r. he looks up at me and says 'this hasn't happened before' and tears welled in his eyes...for the first time since my mom was dieing i could see fear in his eyes.   he was scared he was gonna pass, i know it.  well they took him to ICU because he was draining so much shit out of him through a tube and this is where he is now.  the tube is out and he is alive and ok....but so damn fragile....i hate seeing him on that bed, hooked to a bunch of shit, and not sitting in his chair at home, watching the weather or the news, reading a book or looking out his picture window to his bird feeders and area where the turkey and deer come in....

     he has seen his wife pass, his daughter, and numerous church friends...i have to wonder if deep inside he wonders if its his turn...86 and not getting any younger, cant take many more of these surgeries, rehabs and not getting around without something popping out or breaking...oh papa...i don't know what I'm gonna do without you...

The dad everyone should have...

Joe Chiazzese



Joe in the limo in Vegas




jamming at the reception




Joe and his girls at rain forest cafe




Missing Time at the reception




outside the limo after the wedding



     I had 2 dads my whole life...one was a sperm donor who was a piece of shit and i have nothing to do with him and the second is a wonderfully caring man Joe Chiazzese.

    My mom and Joe were best friends growing up...they met in school and dated for a long time, when my mom was 15 and Joe 16 they had my sister Cynthia, they decided the best decision for them was to put her up for adoption through my mom's Lutheran church and she was adopted out to a wonderful family who took great care of her and gave her a wonderful life....

     mom and Joe eventually got married very young, divorced and continued to be friends...after mom passed i found her diary from when she was this age and Joe was all over it..she loved him truly even when she was married to others.

     when i was two they remarried and were together until i was 16 years old.   Joe raised me like i was his own and Cynthia and i joke to this day that i was raised by her biological parents...i guess its more true than a joke though!!  Joe loved my mother and i with all he had for sure, he was a great dad that took me to the backyard to teach me bow hunting and he never had a problem taking me to my friends if i asked.   he was the best ever.  after mom and Joe divorced for the last time we lost touch with he and his family...it was super hard for me because i grew up with all these cousins, aunts, uncles, grandmas...and they were gone...we have found each other again on face book for the most part but it definitely isn't how it was when i was younger.  grandma carol just had us over for spaghetti dinner and i have to say it was just as good as when i was younger!!

     Joe flew to Vegas for Todd and i to get married so he could give me away..that was the best present ever because if not for him then Cynthia would have done it!!  it would have been just as special but it was defiantly nice to have Joe bring me down the isle and give me to Todd for his wife....that was super special and thanks so much for it dad!!

    Joe has always loved his guitar/bass...he loves them both! on my bday's i would wake up to "they say its your birthday...duh duh duh...happy birthday to ya!!" on the guitar...."arms length away from your nearest camper" was a favorite saying of his when i was too clingy.  i have so many memories of this time in my life i could go on forever.

     this man is as loyal as can be when you are a part of his family...he was right by my mom's side when she passed...they had been friends, a married couple, parents, and lovers for so many years he would drive up from sterling heights and go to the hospital then back down to work and go to school for nine days straight...he was by her side when she took her final breath and to this day we talk talk talk about memories of ours that we have of her...i go through mom's things sometimes and find pictures of them when they were super young and he has his long hair, and striking good looks....

     so this is for you dad...i love you with all i got and i hope that we are in touch forever...i miss you lots when we are apart and i hope that you are super happy where you are!! thanks for everything and i will never ever forget everything you've done for me and my family...your band playing at our reception, your kindness in Vegas...love you lots!!

dear amy

Dear Amy,

     Well im glad we worked things out!!  I am so glad your family and mine have come together and Ive had the pleasure of meeting the wonderful people in your family.

     Keirstin is so full of excitement and joy and she always wants to read and i love that!! she is a great kid.

     Ronnie and elizabeth clicked that very first time we met at the campground...they will forever be great cousins!!

     Ron takes great care of you and your family and its obvious he loves you very much...couldnt get better than that!!

     I know we have had our recent falling "outs" but im here and im not going anywhere, i will not betray you or speak badly of you EVER....keep your head up and things will work out in time you will see...they always do.  thanks for listening and trusting and comming to terms with me and our family here.  youre a great mom...you can see it in your kids...a little anal and overprotective at times but so am i for sure!!

     just know that there is love in this house for you and for all of our family out there that want to be involved in our lives!!  we are great people and so are you so obviously we should mix well!!

     love ya girl...keep that pretty little head of yours up...it will get better..i promise

these four walls...

    so as of the middle of august 2008 i have been a stay at home mom.  i love love love it....i get to make sure that liz is raised by me and not a sitter, i get to see all the milestones, i get to be here whenever bradley or kaila need me and todd doesnt have to worry about his house and what condition it will be in when he gets home from work...

    i cant say that i miss work...not all of it, there are times where i wish i could get out of this house that im in 24 hours 7days a week sometimes, but the thought of interacting with someone other than elizabeth is a bright thought somedays...i loved working and making money and being around people but to weigh it out staying home with elizabeth and another baby (if ever) and working again...i pick staying home.

    todd and i live totally different lives sometimes it seems, he is out on the road with people and i am home, he wants to be home when he gets here, but i want to take him out of this house the second he walks in the door...he cant wait to hug elizabeth and sometimes i cant wait to get away from her.

     to stay in tuned to eachother as adults, parents, lovers, friends, and spouses we need to have THAT time away with eachother....most parents get to have a few hours away together from time to time...not us....dont get me wrong there are times when kaila is here and she sits with liz and bradley when we go to the grocery store or something close, but we are obviously gonna do what we need to and get home...kelly bless her heart tries to watch elizabeth whenever we ask (which is not that often) but she is busy with her own life, work, and responsibilities...she is a very busy girl and we cant count on her all the time, maryan and kevin you have been a blessing with elizabeth, taking her when we went to Las Vegas (we couldnt have went without your guys and that is 100% the truth and we will always appreciate that..and cant thank you guys enough...maryann DO NOT say A WORD about us thanking you again or i will send a message to you of two pages of thank you's...) and have offered on numerous occasions to take all three of the munchinks so todd and i can have some time away together...yet we never seem to take her up on it becuase of this or that...there's always a reason not to do it...

    recently todd and i have decided to take a different look on life, we have had a lot of negative lately and not so much positive going on since my ring was stolen, and we have been a very sad home....not anymore we are trying to wake up with a positive look on things with a "you cant change it" attitude about the things that cant be changed and smile throughout our day...not gonna lie....this is todd....

    me...im sad....im moody....im depressed....

    ya i said it...i wrote it...for everyone to see...todd says "dont put anything out in writing that you wouldnt put in a newspaper for everyone to see"....and i just did...

    so my sister threw at me that she would take all three kids next weekend when we are down there eating grandma carol's wonderful spaghetti and todd and i can go out...let me go ask todd...

    *we dont have the money...you may need to get a job
    *bradley wont do well staying somewhere
    *i hate driving in detroit

     those are the reasons i got for him saying no...again

     lets fast forward...2 hours....HE SAID YES!!

     finally some much needed time away...much needed time together...we had 7 days of "away" in vegas but todd is still resentful of me becuase there were 8 people with us and i felt obligated to make sure everyone had a good time and he says i spent no time with him...so maybe that night of desert and cocktails will help make up for it...i hope so

     im tired of being sad, lonley, depressed...im tired of losing....im tired of bad things happenening...i need some good and i need it now...

when the cat's away...

    if you have noticed my status updates have increased...they have...Todd is in the u.p.

     i married a man that sets his own hours, he can be here 90% of the time i need him to be for doctors appointments, Kaila's school stuff, and things that need to be done around here, or just because he has not been around for awhile and just wants some quality time with Elizabeth and i.   no 9-5 Monday-Friday....some weeks he is gone from whenever in the morning but is home at night for dinner...


     i HATE HATE HATE HATE being alone for days at a time....thank god for Elizabeth, i couldn't survive without her around...i hate being alone almost as much as i hate driving somewhere that isn't familiar to me....so what do you do all day long crystal when Todd is away working?

     well Monday i generally do nothing...i watch my stories in the morning, Jerry, Maury, sometimes Steve Wilkos now and then...take care of Elizabeth, read a book, watch a movie...but nothing really constructive...by now though I've called and BEGGED Kelly to come over...let me just say thank god for this woman...she is there whenever i need her night and day...she comes and keeps me sane and hangs out and does nothing with me.   she never requires to be entertained by us...she is happy just sitting on the couch petting mr. pootie and watching t.v.  I LOVE YOU KELLY!!

     Tuesday and Wednesday are laundry/clean the house days...this makes them pass by much faster and i sleep better at night from the energy spent throughout the day....then Thursday Todd usually comes home or late Wednesday night if we get lucky and he feels like driving....

     i have to say it is a definite toss up of "would i change it if i could" and i have to say no....

      his working allows us to have some away time and miss each other being gone, he can be here for EVERY holiday, EVERY special occasion....whenever we need him to be...that is worth more than i can say...and if he wants two days off in a row to spend with us...he can

     I love you Sherwin Williams Automotive Division...you have a wonderful man selling paint for you all over the state of Michigan...he does so with passion and drive and strives to make both you and us money....i appreciate you....

Bradley...youre the best...love you little man...

Bradley playing on the computer

Bradley feeding Liz...



Bradley's 6th bday...



     Let me introduce you to the best step son, big brother, little brother, and just all around great little man Bradley Aaron Ontis.  I had the pleasure of meeting him in 2007 when he was 4 years old.  He came to Todd's for their weekend visitation and as i was sitting on the couch nervous as can be, here comes the cutest little boy creeping around the corner trying to get a peek of me before he said his goodbyes to his mama...

     He has been a wonderful addition to my family and is the sweetest thing you've ever met.  He always was asking his dad for a little sister and when we finally told him we were going to have a baby and he found out it would be a little girl he was sooooo excited..."finally a little sister" he said.  I couldn't have asked for a more attentive, loving, caring big brother for Elizabeth.  From the moment she was here he was super curious about her, he wanted to hold her, feed her...he even used to try super hard to get her to play with him when she was just an infant...he didn't understand she couldn't play yet.

     They are going to grow to be super close, they are already...i will make this prediction and maybe unveil the results to you later in life...Bradley is going to be that brother that loves his little sister so much that no boy will dream of breaking her heart because Bradley will have something to say about it...Todd wont even get a chance to pull out the shotgun and start cleaning it on her first date...Bradley will be waiting to answer the door.......

     Elizabeth has played with his toys...she like them more than her own and Bradley is FABULOUS about sharing his imaginex, monster trucks, and all his other toys with her, when he is gone she comes to me all the time "where Bradley.." "Bradley coming?"  she loves her little brother more than anything.

     He is struggling with school right now but we try to sit with him and go over his studies whenever we get the chance too, school is important i tell him all the time and you always have to try to do your best.

     Bradley loves soccer, any kind of ball playing, playing with Dane his friend next door and with his dad...he and Todd can play for hours..I'm not the sit down and play type i forgot how to do that a long time ago but Todd is a big kid and has so much fun playing games, trucks, cars, and anything with him.  we are getting him into chores now that he is 7 and Kaila complains of having to do them and watch Bradley sit...so responsibility is the next on the plate for him, you may have to remind him a few times but he gets his bed made, room cleaned, clothes put away, front room picked up, garbage bag put back in the can after Kaila takes it out and puts the dishes away for Kaila before she tackles getting them done after meals...now they are not our slaves, they earn an allowance every week so they understand what it like to work for what you have along with learning life's little habits that will help him later in life, now without even being assigned it as a chore he asks every time i do laundry to help, he likes to clean the lint trap and switch the laundry...hes getting so responsible...i cant say how proud of this little boy i am...



crystal and Bradley Halloween 09




Todd and Bradley Halloween 09

      You may not have come from me Bradley but i don't think i could love you more if you had...i am so proud of what you have blossomed into, you are the best brother to Elizabeth i could ask for and a wonderful playmate and brother to Kaila, one day you will be here with us (i hope) and we will get the school under control and all these ailments you seem to come to us with....i love you Bradley and don't you ever forget it...i will always be here for you whenever you need me....

when did everything change?

     when i was little i lived with my granny and papa for the majority of my childhood, we lived in the woods, i went to school, rode the bus home, had dinner, went to bed and did it all again the next day.  my granny was ADDICTED to her v.c.r. and had tapes piled up on the coffee table of game shows and t.v. shows she hadn't gotten a chance to watch yet....after she would watch one i would put in another for her, one show we loved to watch together was Little House on the Prairie.  this show was about a family who settled back in the day on the open plains, they worked together, loved each other and they were very loyal to each other to make their life work....

    so i understand that this was WAY back in the day and also it was a TV show but where did everything change?

     family to me are people who will always be there no matter what, they will forgive your wrongs and celebrate your rights...they will trust and be trusted, love and be loved...I'm talking brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, moms, dads, everyone...so why is it now that is all changed?  where and why did things go wrong? 

    where did the family values go?  where is the fiber of moral being that used to exist enough that they made multiple TV shows about it?  this old house, little house on the prairie, growing pains, family matters, family ties...you don't see these shows or their type anymore...maybe on a "back in the day" channel...but now you have two and a half men, with two brothers and a son living together, they dog on their mom and ones a drunken whore and the working man is weak...you have family guy and south park and American Dad that all celebrate a dysfunctional home, and yes my number one favorite show, Jerry Springer has sisters having sex with their sister's husbands, pimps, whores, and all of it...so this is what we are trying to live up to these days? 

     maybe this is where the structured family has gone...maybe it is just something that is "back in the day" to have brothers, sisters, moms, and dads doing good by each other, not stabbing each other in the back everyday and not on speaking terms....the parents should all be ashamed of themselves for raising their children that way...for that to be acceptable is outrageous...the kids are the ones to suffer, when we fight amongst each other they see it, they hear it, they suffer....there goes mom and dad again...there goes auntie and uncle.....wont see or be able to talk to them for awhile...they don't understand, they just feel abandoned.. think of what you miss out on when this is the attitude that you are brought up with..baseball games, school plays, birthdays....moms turning their backs on their children for things that mean NOTHING...and who suffers there?  the grandchildren, the sons, the daughters...EVERYONE....lets all try to go "back in the day" and make our families healthy, whole, and together again...people are going to make mistakes and make bad decisions and if wasn't for family some people would be completely alone...none of this is right...it is all  very wrong, i may not have much family left but i tell you what i treasure each and every one of them and will forgive them all their wrongs and celebrate their rights...my children will know each and everyone of them and unless they are out doing hard drugs or committing serious crimes i will never keep them out of their lives....they have a right to know their family and i will never take that from them, can you imagine this...fighting over nothing that means anything really and then all of a sudden POOF out of nowhere a train runs into them and they die...where does that leave you?  broken hearted that someone special in your life never really knew how much you loved them because you turned your back...is that what you want?  when my mother died i couldn't apologize enough to her about being a horrible teenager...what would have happened if i hadn't been there, when my granny died i was living in Detroit with my sperm donor and before i left her last words to me were "until you change your ways i don't want to talk to you" that was the last thing this woman who raised me and taught me life lessons and how to cook, love, and be a good person said to me...i will never forget that.

that is my promise to you my wonderful babies...you will know your aunts, uncles, grandmas and grandpas, your sisters, brothers and everyone in between unless they choose otherwise...and shame on the ones who have...you know who you are...YOU choose not to know your beautiful granddaughters and i hope you can sleep at night knowing it is by your choice they will never know you...love is love plain and simple and who is to say who can love who?  who has the power to take that love away?  can you really live with yourself for making that choice for them?  think about it....

what do you think?

     On may 5th 2005 my mother passed away from multiplemylenoma a blood cancer that attacks the bones, we never knew she even had it until she couldnt get out of her chair, called the ambulence and when they switched her from gurney to gurney they snapped her femur bone right in half...the biggest bone in your body and hers wasnt that big, she was only 4'10".  When they got her to the hospital they fixed the break and found the cancer.  that evening i got a phone call saying that my grandpa was comming to get me becuase she was now in ICU because fatty tissue from the break went to her lungs.  through the next 8 days she would have a stroke, her kidneys shut down and she had to be dialisis everyday, the cancer got to her skull and went to her brain (causing the stroke) and lots more.  finally on day 7 when the doctors said there was little to no hope of her recovering i had the conversation i never dreamed i would have with my papa, sister, and tommie bauer (booooooo) her fiance, should i take her off the life support...we all decided that it was the right thing to do so the next day at 12pm she was taken off the ventalater and all the equipment that had kept her alive as long as it had already.  the doctors told us that she should pass within hours becuase her lungs would fill up and she would go peacfully with no pain...WRONG....she didnt feel pain (i assume the stroke had made her a veggie) but she didnt pass until 7:20pm the next day...i was on the way to detroit with my sister and brother in law when i got the call that she had finally passed...by her side were her best friends in the world Richard and Maryann Fehir, Tommie Bauer (booooooo) her fiance, and Joe Chiazzese her childhood love, best friend, and 2 time husband.  I will never forget that day as long as i live....for the next year i spiraled into a pit of dispare...i got evicted from my home, my mom had died, and i lost my job of five years dealing blackjack at Soaring Eagle Casino.  so i moved in with my papa (mom had been living there waiting to build a house on the property, they were VERYYYY close) to take care of him, and so neither of us had to be alone and i spent my summer getting into trouble and "healing" if you can call it that.  I still to this day have nightmeres about my mother and that last day, people told cynthia and i that she was talkind and saying silly things to them when they took her off the ventalater...but when i got there to say my goodbyes it wasnt my mom that was there, her soul had passed and it was a shell of a woman who had a raspy voice that scared the shit out of me and cynthia...you should have seen us run like two sisters who had just seen a ghost!

     im getting off track so i will continue here....so anyway as you probably can tell i wasnt the best mom during this time of my life and kaila was only 5 and needed someone to be there for her, i could barely be there for me let alone my child...so i canceled dates with her, broke promises, and just wasnt there the way i should have been, i was tramatized by my mother's passing...she was my best friend and my everything...i felt like an orphaned child kicked out into the world with no protection and left to fend for myslelf...at 25 this isnt a great feeling...so i asked her dad to take her until i got back on my feet.

   When i finally got my life together, a year later i got a job, a house and i was on my way...back on my feet, josh (kaila's dad) and i had a talk about her commming home and staying with me and going to school with me..the whole 9 yards...nope he wasnt having it, he took me to court and won physical custody of kaila, with me having the normal every other weekend, every wednesday visitation, paying child support...all of it,  i had a hard time at first, but then i sat and realized josh and brianna were a family with two kids (brianna has a son kailas age) and a home, steady stableness is what she needed, she was going to school and was happy...so i took that and went with it, it made me feel better....

    well fast forward to now...2010, and josh and brianna are broke up, he has a social life and kaila stays home alone sometimes while he feels guilty about it, he goes to the gym and out on the weekends and to the dart club he joined... she is at the age where she is ok with staying alone and sometimes babysits for us when we go shopping...and i think that now that im married, with a home and a family...kaila has a sister here and a brother, and im a stay at home mom, i would ALWAYS be with her...i think its time for her to come home....josh doesnt think as much.....i say to him "when you took her i got through it by telling myself it was what was best...she had family and stability and thats why id didnt try to get her back through the court...now you need to think the same thing...tables have turned.."  i planted the seed and i dont know if he is watering it...kaila wants us to move to clare, i talk to her about maybe staying here all the time, i think that her telling josh that she wants to be here is what its gonna take for him to budge...i dont push her, dont get me wrong but i do say..."what do you think about going to school here and living here like you do at your dads"....in a perfect world she would be here, bradley too...that would make our family complete....so  what do you think?

can it ever be the same?

as the three of you that follow this know i am an avid jerry springer/maury watcher....partly due to my "stay at home mom" status and partly becuase i love to see the morons on there doing their thing...whatever that may be...

but i have to ask...can things ever be the same after one feels "betrayed"?  can you ever go back to the way it was before the betrayal?  and if you can how do you get passed it without feeling totally foolish for the rest of your life?

i honestly have to say that forgivness is one of the best things i have discovered along the way of life, but then who desereves it?  those who havent harmed you bad enough to scar you?  an unfaithful lover?  a best friend who "didnt mean too"?  i think that it is super easy to "say" you would or wouldnt but until you are put in that situation you will never know.....

i offer forgivness to many, and i turn my back on few....the few that have my ass staring at them know who they are and why...there are many things i deem unforgivable in my book:

    1. stealing
     2.  cheating
       3.  harming me or my family
         4. dishonesty (some can be forgivin)

people can talk all day long about me and i really over the years have developed a rough exterior that i dont care anymore....there are some that i care for more than i should probably and they can do what they want and i still will look the other way...

so sit and think today...what is your breaking point?  bottom line?  what is it that can make you say "no more..." and finally walk away?

i still believe in man kind to some extent as a good thing...there are so many out there that are gross, nasty, lieing, back stabbing, just horrible people and those are the ones that get no love or forgiveness from me...lately with all the crap that has hit the fan in this house i really am starting to just shut it all out...i dont want to but damn how much more can we take?  i understand there is a cosmic balance in life and todd , the kids, and i have it really good...so when the balance comes in it has to be really bad....now i will sit and wait for the good to come back into sequence

i hope everything is forgiven and we can all go back to normal....

Todd this one is for you...

OK so how horrible am i?  earlier posts will tell you that Todd is in Vegas and i am here...i did agree to let him go and do his business with his business people but man if i had realized then how i would react now...

I FEEL TRULY LIKE A HUGE UGLY GREEN MONSTER....i cant control what comes out of my mouth with him...i tell him that i'm over it because at that moment i am but then all of a sudden , whoops...diarrhea of the mouth and it spews out...that its unfair for him to be on vacation when we cant afford to go anywhere together...blah...blah...beating the dead horse...

TODD AARON ONTIS

   i wish i could take us back to Sunday and tell you that im sooooo happy you are having a great time, that i hope that no mater what you live it up out there...i truly didn't want you to have a bad time, you are a wonderful, loving husband who deserves nothing but the best and guess what for the last 4 days you have gotten less than that from your wife...i want to be a better wife, a better person, a better friend...i cant take anything back because once it is said and out there that's what it is...out there, but i guess if you can try to forgive my case of poop mouth...then we can get beyond it...this man is the best...he cooks, cleans, and provides for me and our 3 kids...HE DESERVES THE TIME AWAY...not deserving of him is a green monster wife that was so jealous that he was out in Vegas having a great time (little did i know he was miserable because of guess who...me) and that is what he got...a horrible, less than kind wife who kept bringing up the same thing...every conversation...every chat...every talk because i wasn't hearing from him what i wanted to hear...he was blowing me off...but in his place i would blow me off too...i would have done the same thing you did Todd...not answer ANY of my calls, I've gotten to know your voicemail very well the last week, being short and testy when we do talk...I DON'T BLAME YOU FOR ANY OF IT AND I AM SOOO SORRY...i know you have to be sick of hearing me say sorry....i cant do anything to make up for any of it...i can say i wish i would could take it back and have excitement for you in my voice...i wish i could have been happy inside for you...i wish i could have brought you luck and love out there...but i didn't..and as you say you will never go anywhere ever again, and you are very disappointed in me...can we let that be my "punishment" that you being disappointed in me is the worst...as i am with myself...i love you babe and i hope you don't hate me...i hope that you still look forward to seeing me when you get home and want to spend time with me and take this two months of marriage that we've had and turn it into a century of love, laughs, and lessens learned...i know I've learned mine...forgive? forget? 

   and to all the people with you todd i apologize to them for putting you in a fowl mood, it was 100% my fault and i know they are whispering to eachother and telling you what a horrible wife i am, and they would leave me if they were you...but i cant change that either...though wish i could...just let them know that with time i will relax and this WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN...there will be more trips for you with them and i know that next time i will do things SOOOOOOOO different because i learn from my mistakes...thats what makes them lessons...and this lesson like ive said this is a lesson that has been learned...the hard way for me...

Kaila Nichole Langlois

kaila and the go-cart



kaila and liz halloween 08'



   



kaila, reanna, and lila

     On December 4, 2000 at 12:32pm kaila nichole langlois was brought into this world, with her dad, grandma karen (r.i.p) and grandma dawn (r.i.p) there to cheer me on...kinda...lol

     Kaila was a WONDERFUL baby..never cried unless she was hungry or tired, wouldnt sleep anywhere but in her crib...she was a fabulous baby.  she has grown to be an even more fabulous young lady, at 9 years old she has manners YOU wish you had, LOVE LOVE LOVES school, she actually cries when she has to miss a day...she is just such a joy...she listens like clockwork (98% of the time!) and very rarely do i ever have to raise my voice...let alone punish her.

    Kaila loves her sister and brother and is the biggest help i could ever ask for with elizabeth.  todd and i even get to sleep in together when she is here on the weekend...you will never hear her complain about it becuase she gets joy out of helping us.  i cant say enough about this "bundle" of joy that came into my life 9 years ago.

    I am sooooooo proud of kaila and all her accomplishments, she is a wonderfully talented artist, a funky dresser, a wonderful sister, daughter, and friend....she will hug you when your down and make a silly face to see you smile.  I know she is going places and when she tells me what she wants to be when she gets older (it changes by the minute) i am very proud to hear her ambition...i couldnt ask for a more wonderful daughter...i cant wait to see what the future brings for her.

Elizabeth Dawn Ontis...

liz first bath in th big girl tub

   ELIZABETH DAWN ONTIS

     Elizabeth Ontis born august 29, 2010 in alma michigan to Todd and Crystal Ontis.  Let me tell you about this little bundle of joy...I had an easy pregnancy as pregnancy goes, but I hate,hate, hate being pregnant...I get fat, I have horrible gas, I pee all the time, my acid reflux goes into overdrive, and did I mention that I am very homicidal lunitic?  Ya I get mean..I get nasty...oh it gets bad...but what happens 10 months later is all worth it to me...ask todd and he may or may not agree...lol

     so around july 1st i started talking inducing..not then but sometime with my doctor...i had been induced with kaila and i liked the idea of knowing when it was going to happen...thats me...schedule my delivery!! lol  so after a bunch of "not yet crystal" and "we'll discuss this around 40 weeks" from my doctor she finally said "ok...give me a date"  well Todd's mom and step dad were up during that week and i was feeling rather sentimental to them for being here and i said september 11th...joyce's bday.  dr. treankle agreed and that was that...i told joyce she was overjoyed...so they were scheduled to be here for a week i believe and joyce had brought enough stuff to stay one extra day...thank goodness becuase i went to the doctor and low andbehold ihave high blood pressure...really high...so they test and test and decide to avoid preclamsia i needed to be induced (thank god) the next day...joyce and dick were going home that day...good thing joyce  packed extra...so in we go 5am on the 29 of august and after 6 1/2 hours of labor elizabeth dawn ontis enters our family....and her grandma and grandpa were here to visit that night...

daddy and liz

kaila and liz

baby liz

    so now we will fast forward...2 years later, she learned how to crawl, scoot, walk and talk...now she is a jibber jabber queen and she has her own language...i am soo blessed to have this little girl in my life and she is to have the people she has in hers...love you liz!!   

  

my release

    when i was starting to think about blogging, thanks to maryann and her insisting upon it...i wondered to myself who the hell is going to want to read about my life...my thoughts...???  and i can say at least three of you!! lol

     there are many kinds of blogs as i see them, some witty, some angry ( a couple of mine were), some happy and some are just stinkin funny...maryann...

     i have to say that it is sometimes impossible to "blog" my day, a journal is much more private than an online journal..and somethings are just meant to be kept in private...but it is definetly a form of release, wheter i go back and second guess what i have put out there on the internet for everyone to see and go back and erase it or i have poured my soul and feelings into that day's entry and go back and re-read it and agree with everything ive said and stand by it...thanks to this wonderful little "release" you all can have a little taste of what it is to be me...lol  lucky you...

your turn maryann...

                                                     

MARYANN ZELLER

     So a last week my ring was stolen and Maryann wrote a blog about me so that I would smile...now its her turn...

   Honey I know times are hard right now and you feel like everyone is out to get you and the most important people have turned their backs, but know this...no matter what that will never happen from me.  You would have to do something so horrible that i could never forgive you for that to happen and here's why....

• You are a wonderful friend
• You have had my back everytime i have needed you
• You welcomed me with open arms when we met
• You love my husband and family as much as I do
• You are a GREAT, FABULOUS, WONDERFUL mother
• You bring me dip...lol
• Your relationship with your husband is sweet, true, and very special and thats what i want with mine
• You are a great example for my children

I could go on for days and days but I will say this...I love you very much and todd does too...we hope everything is going to get better and you will keep yourself healthy and happy becuase we need you in our lives as do many others...when times get tough and dark look to us for your light becuase no matter the time or place we will be here for you above all others...love you maryann zeller....youre my favorite by far....

What is your sunday like?

     My sunday's are usually predictably the same every week...which is how i like EVERYTHING...i like ot live by a schedule, i like things in their place so i dont have to put them there later, i like to know what is going on ahead of time so i can plan for whatever needs it....


     So sunday's usually go one of two ways...

     1.  we wake up, play with the kids, and wait for todd to have to leave to take bradley home and josh to get here to get kaila

     2.  we are driving home from being somewhere and the kids are going home...

     Sunday is my day to decompress from the week/weekend and liz does the same, we hang out and make sausage dinner and watch t.v.

     well folks....sundays might just get a little more busy...Bradley was crying today about something and i calmed him down, explained to him that he will get a lot further if he stops crying and tells me what he is feeling.  usually that is why he gets upset to tears is becuase he cant put out what he really wants to say, or because he doesnt get what he wants.

     sooooo...he wants to move up here...surprise, surprise i think to myself..he has never voiced this though even though we knew one day he would...and he has.

     so we may soon have a new/old addition to the ontis family and i am going to have to do the school thing...i wonder what heidi is going to think...

Three in a row...

Well first and foremost thank you Maryann for being there with kind words...that was a beautiful blog and I appreciate it.

So ya...for you who read this...the whole two of you...(love you Kelly and Maryann!!) you already know the situation with my ring...but maybe this will be theraputic to me to just get it off my chest I guess.

I have seent he completed version of this ring in my sleep latley....Todd and I passed out so many fliers with a picture of it all over the county.

Now some of you may be wondering how it was stolen...I will tell you but this story comes with fine print...if you ask if i wish i wouldnt have taken it off now, i will vomit all over you.  with that being said, i take it off when i wash my hands, i cant stand the feeling of slimey soap inbetween the band and my fingers, it slides off...its annoying, so i take it off and put it back on...well i forgot it and went back to my table at bingo...i literally sat down and realized it wasnt on my finger, went back to the bathroom and it was gone.

There was a fat, nasty, welfare, smells like smoke, wearing flip flops with nasty toe THEIVING bitch comming out of the stall while i was walking out after drying my hands, i politley said excuse me to her and went out the door.  THAT WOMAN HAS MY RING...but how do i prove it?  i cant, all i can do is put up flyers, call the cops, go to all the pawn shops, jewerly stores, take one around with me adn shoe it to anyone who will look at it.

this woman has no idea what she has done to me, Todd, Kaila, Cynthia, my mother (r.i.p), her grandmother...that ring was more than just a ring.

let me explain the fine print statement, after this incident...i mean IMMEDIATLEY after i get asked this twice and it infruiated me....NO MATTER WHY, WHERE, HOW, OR ANYTHING NOBODY HAS THE RIGHT TO STEAL MY RING!!  IT DOESNT MAKE IT RIGHT....IT WILL NEVER MAKE IT RIGHT...I AM NOT BEATING MYSELF UP OVER THIS...DONT ASK IF I WISH I HADNT TAKEN IT OFF...I WILL WANT TO RIP OFF YOUR FACE I SWEAR...EVEN IF YOU ARE 80!!

yes, of course i wish i hadnt taken it off...i wish i would have had kaila at an older age, i wish we had elizabeth after we got married, i wish i lived closer to maryann and kelly would move there too....but i can do NOTHING about any of these things and if i harbored feelings all day long about them i would crawl in a hole and die...so since this isnt an option, i have a family to take of, a house to run and a husband to make sure is happy, i dont have time to focus only on the bad, the unfair, the dark dark obiss that can overcome one with depression.  this incident could have put me there, but thank god i have the love of a great family, friends, and just DOING something about it i have been able to "morn" the loss of my family heirloom wedding ring because someone feels they had the right to put it in their fat pocket or whatever roll she stuck it under (my poor ring) and steal it from me...it may sound silly but i really hope she is taking care of it, it isnt thrown on a table somewhere or some crack dealers pocket...

oh well...lesson learned...the hard way   the morning will end and i will at least be able to wake up without reaching for the bedside table and my ring...

sorry mom...i hope you can fogive my mistake and haunt the bitch until she gives it up...

The Best of Both Worlds

      We were supposed to see Joe's band Missin' Time in Fair View this weekend, but as the day went on we wondered wether or not we should be going.  First, it was a bad start to the the day with Elizabeth doing her usual Elizabeth thing...crying...pouting....whining....mamamamamamama!!!  Then poor Kelly had only 2 hours of sleep the night before and was driving herself down.  Not to mention her coat blew out of her window on the way here from her house, and she almost lost the dress she needed to attend a wedding the next day.  WHAT A DAY!!  and it was only 12pm!!!   So the "straw" that did it was Elizabeth's eye had been bothering her from the night before and was super red and irratated. 

     So I called my sister and let her know what was going on and Cynthia said "pink eye" so we decided then and there that there were enough "signs" along the way and Cynthia asked us not to bring her there because its very contagious...so we broke the news to Kelly and turned around and came home...

    Needless to say the kids were really bummed about us not going down, Bradley was looking forward to playing with his new cousins and as he says, his "new grandma" Carol.  Kelly and I took Bradley and Kaila to get some pumpkinds and they had a great time picking out their own...the only rule was "if you can carry it without help you can have it" , Bradley had a hard time passing up some I thought he was going to break his back trying to carry but settled on one I thought was huge!!  We are going to carve them the weekend before Halloween since that is the last time both the kids will be here together. 

     Bradley and Kaila went in the hot tub for awahile, rented a movie and all was forgotten about being upset about not making it down...we have great kids!! 

   Lastly, I  would like to say thank you to my wonderful husband, he wanted to make sure I had a great day because he knew I was dissapointed we didnt go down, I made my grandmother's beef stew and it was fabulous.  I have a wonderful man to say I belong too, he means the world to me...thanks babe!!

Ok...I did it!!

I never thought that my thoughts and my daily life would be interesting enough that people may want to read about it but according to my favorite neice of all time Maryann...it is!!

My first blog is going to be about me and my favorite people...we will start with my wonderful husband Todd Aaron Ontis!

I have to say that most of you should be really, really, really jelous of how wonderful my husband is!!  He is defiently a diamon in the rough...I love him more and more everyday.  Todd is the most wonderful provider, dad, husband, friend, and lover that I have ever encountered.  He thinks more of his family than he does himself and makes sure we are all happy and taken care of.  Todd makes me smile everyday and keeps me laughing all the time.  I am the luckiest woman alive!!

next on the list is my lovely neices Reanna and Lila...they are the sweetest lil pumpkins I could ever ask for...beautiful in so many ways are these two girls...they are going to definetly break some hearts one day!!
and of course their mama and my wonderful sister...cynthia!!  Cynthia Trexler is the best sister anyone could ask for...she is patient, understanding, and very kind.  Just recently she recieved news that she passed her certification and is offically a Surgical Assistant!!  You go big sister!!

well thats it for now...my days are so much the same...wake up, feed liz, watch tv...facebook, and kiss Todd goodbye as he goes out the door for work...simple, maybe even boring to some but I wouldnt ask for anything else!!