just a lil somethin....

so lets catch up in the life of one Crystal Nichole Ontis....

my grandpa seems to be doing well again...he is lucid again and seems to know everyone just fine.  must have been the meds he was on and now isnt.  his insurance has run out though and we are fighting like mad to get him some medicade to help pick up the bill at the home...he's getting a little physical therepy on his hip, not as much as he should though since the insurance is gone.

kaila won her art contest and banner contest which is a huge thing for her...cant even begin to say how proud we are!!

bradley turned 8 and we had a nice family weekend with him.  birthday weekends are very special here since the kids arnt here all the time the whole weekend is theirs...whatever they want to eat for dinner, they pick out their cake, whatever games they want to play or tv they want to watch and to make them feel super special the rest of the family pitches in to do their chores.  i hope bradley felt as special as he is to us.  we love that little guy!!

elizabeth...she has been amazing me left and right lately...she is growing so fast and talking so well.  she recognizes her name now adn is getting to where she understands a little that others have the same name...elizabeth mcfarlen is a morning anchor on the Today show and when liz hears her name she says "no i elizabeth" and i explain so is she...ive never seen a two year old so into reading too.  i swear we have read each of her books 100 times!!! she has a whole book shelf all to herself and her books and not only book but magazines too...she will sit in a chair with her "mickey" (blanky) and read a magazine from cover to cover...she loves my parenting and kaila's oriental trading magazines the best!  on road trips as long as there are books in the car she is all set!!

next week is spring break for kaila and we are thinking of going to my sisters house!!!  we were thinking of going to kalamazoo but todd really wants to hook up with some of his new found brothers and sisters in the detroit area now that he has a couple days to do so.  he has been so busy lately and gone a lot...it will be nice to reconnect with family and ours to boot!! 

i love my sister cynthia!! she is the best...not only does she resemble our mother so when i see her i get a little memory burst but she loves todd and our kids with a huge, open, loving heart!!  she has welcomed him and bradley with open arms and that is AWSOME!!!  wish i could say that for his family about us...oh well though...we have the zellers and vaughns on that side...thats all we need!! 

i hope to see my lil sister hannah too that week, not sure though she may be going to disney world with a friend...this girl goes EVERYWHERE!!  she goes to cedar point at least like 3 times a year and florida all the time too...can i say JELOUS...yup!! i just did!! lol  but if she doesnt go i am definelty fitting in some hannah time becuase i miss her so much too...family is everything people remember that...

well thats the latest...till next time my "followers" have a great week!!

what a gal!

my daughter is so awsome!!!  kaila is 10 years old and in the 4th grade at clare primary school.  she recently entered two different art contests and won a place in both!!  the first was a contest for the local Big Brothers Big Sisters organization, the contest theme was happy and she drew a little girl jumping for joy because she just scored a goal at her soccer game...kaila worked so hard on it and it certainly showed when i got the call that she had won.

the second contest was a banner contest.  every spring/summer season the city of mt. pleasant hangs banners from the light posts all through town displaying local artwork...kaila also won a spot on a post for her entered banner...she gets to go to the park every saturday and work on painting it with a special paint.  she is super excited about it all!!

so she is going to have a banner displayed and her "happy" drawing went up for auction last night.  it sold for 60$!!  not too shabby for her first piece of art!!  i will get it scanned on here soon so everyone can share!!

it was a great night for all of us last night, a little family gathering you could say.  todd, kelly, elizabeth, aunt luanne, wayne and i all went out to dinner at big boy before the auction...we were running a little late and afraid we would miss her art but low and behold it was #29 out of 30 so we were ok with time for sure!!  there her dad josh, his dad, sister, sister iin law met up with us and we were all there to support kaila and make sure she knew there was a lot of love there for her!!  if only papa could have come it would have made the night complete.  there were a lot of things for auction that night encluding a HUGE saw blade with artwork on it and a silent auction that kelly won a few things on...

not to be left out, kaila also won a drawing for 2 Great Lakes Loons baseball tickets and a 15$ gas card to get her there!! she was so excited she may have peed a little!! lol

all in all it was a fantastic night and elizabeth had a great time too!!  i cant wait to see whats in store for my little girl in the future with all her accomplishments!!  IM SO PROUD I CANT STOP SMILING!!

my poor grandpa...

     a little update on my grandfather.  he is not doing well.  we honestly are starting to accept the fact that he probably wont be making it out of the home.  he isnt walking on his own, he doesnt know who we are...

     this man who was such a strong male precesnce in my life for so 30 years is now laying in bed, shaking, confused, and unable to do anything for himself really. 

     the last time kaila and i went to see him will probably be our last time seeing him, hers for sure.  he was very confused as to who we were and kept calling me luanne and kaila crystal.  its all so sad.  although i knew this day would come i never thought it would be so hard on him.

    if there is a "god" out there what is the purpose of him making my grandfather fall apart the way he is?  this "god" is supposed to be caring, almighty, and all that but my grandfather who lived a perfectly honest, good, caring life is laying in a strange bed, with strange people taking care of him becuase we cant, he is going to die in this bed with these people and for what?  why couldnt he pass in his own bed, in his own house of natural causes one night in his sleep.  i guess maybe that would have been too tramatizing for luanne to find him that way and that is why....

     there are so many bad people out there...why cant they be falling apart in a nursing home with strangers not knowing who their family who loves them so much is?  why my grandpa?

    im having a difficult time not being numb to it all...i cry yes, i feel sad inside for him and luanne...he has to feel lonely...i hope in a lucid moment he doesnt think we have abandoned him...he probably cant remember when we are there.

    aunt luanne and i have both agreed that it is best if the kids and i dont go down there until he knows who we all are again, we say until...but i know it should be "if"...the last time i was there was super hard and im sure it will only get worse.  kaila and i left crying last time and i think that it was hard enough.

    today luanne went down to see him and see if there was any change and of course there wasnt.  the only thing that changed is his mind has gone even further away...he was asking aunt lu if she would find his glasses...when she asked what he wanted them for he told her he need to take joe to work for dawn.  joe is my stepdad who lives in detroit..dawn is my mother and she has been passed away now for almost 6 years....

    its like it is receeding into iteself and hanging onto long term memory and axing short term..he remembers joe and mom but doesnt know luanne, kaila, or i...

     so long story short we are doing all we can to keep him comfortable and make sure he is ok.  he cant come home becuase neither luanne nor i have the medical training or the physical strength to take care of him...just to go to the bathroom is a huge task...everything they do for him in a 24 hour period is very appreciated and thank you to all the staff at tendercare for doing what luanne and i are unable to.  its all so very sad......im sure there is going to be a funeral in our future, honestly i think he wishes it was sooner rather than later...cant be anyway to live...he tells me he feels usless and his body is old and giving up on him...its all so sad...

     i love you papa...i know you wont ever read this but i guess maybe its for me more than you...i love you and everything youve taught me, how to drive, how to fish, how to be a good person....common sence...love...checkers...rummy...5 card draw poker... all our nights of popcorn and john wayne movies...cursing mom together for dieing...being there for eachother when she was gone...you were always there for me...ALWAYS for 30 year...im going to miss you terribly and i wish elizabeth could have gotten more time to know you and im super greatful kaila had the time she did...you got to see me get married and loved my husband...you mean the world to me and i hope you find peace soon...love you papa...

snow days....

     the snow is falling AGAIN...i reminded my husband all week long that it was going to snow again, the nice weather wouldnt remain, it was februrary after all.

     so the kids dont have school today, bradley or kaila...im very greatful for that becuase other than the minimal grocery shopping we went and did we will NOT be leaving this house today.  have you looked outside? 

     they have been playing legos all weekend.  they came out on saturday and still right now the three of them (todd, kaila, and bradley) sit on the floor and build...this is where i feel like i have forgotten how to "play".  although i used to frequently play with legos as a kid, i have no ambition to sit on the floor and build with them now.  i however, love love love sitting and watching them all interact together.  espically elizabeth.  this is the first year that she sits on the floor and plays with them. 

     bradley will be with us all week long, he doesnt have school on wednesday, thrusday, or friday and im thinking with how hard they got hit down there with freezing rain and ice they probably wont have school tomorow.  that will be nice...todd really misses him when he's gone.

     kaila is going tubing at snowsnake with her girl scout troop and we will be going to michele's for dinner satruday night!! im excited to sit down and spend time with my new sister in law and her family.   zeller's we will see you soon too!! super excited about that...i need me some a dose of zeller love...always good times...

     busy little bees we are this week, i look forward to it and welcome the change but at the same time i am a little timid about leaving the comforts of my home where my kids have their own beds, i have my own kitchen and i know where everything is...
    
    we shall see how everything goes....but i know im blessed to have anywhere to go or anyone to go see!! i love my life and my family...

saturday morning...ontis style

     satruday morning....the ontis house....11:19am....

kaila is at the table in the frontroom doing a jig-saw puzzle, bradley is running around with elizabeth having a great time...she has grown so much and can play a lot more than when she was little.  this is the time bradley used to be so excited for....when elizabeth is old enough to really play.

todd is helping kaila with her puzzle, playing with bradley, and throwing elizabeth in the air, all at the same time it seems, he is sooooo good at playing with the kids.  i used to think i "forgot how to play", todd brought it back out in me and you can find me on the floor playing with elizabeth and her "guys" doing the voices and everything.

mr. pootie pooped in kaila's bed last night, that cat is SUPER lucky that he is like a kid to us and we love him like we do.  when we took him to the vet to see why he was randomly shitting in places she told us that "he had an attitude problem"...there was no medical reason for it so he was doing it out of spite plain and simple.  so kaila wanted to smack him, i think her words were "oh mom, i just wanna hit him" and i explained that he wouldnt know why she was hitting him, viloence isnt the answer, abusing pets is bad...so the only thing i could think to do to make her feel better that she had to throw away her snuggie (she never wore), and wash the clothes that were on it again...is i told her to put him in time out...the bathroom....where his litter box is and shut the door and leave him in there...this is his room basically he sleeps there at night and goes there when we leave the house because he will randomly shit if we leave him out.  he's a good cat...he's great with the kids, plays with todd...but when he gets mad at you he poops...so he is sulking around today

the puzzle is finished now and todd and kaila are gluing it together...the kids bathroom and mr. pootie's bedroom is done in a tropical fish theme.  i bought kaila a box with 10 tropical fish puzzles in it all different sizes, frames for them, and puzzle glue.  she has been putting puzzles together now for awahile and they're all up on the walls in their bathroom.  she loves doing it and im proud of her for doing them.  i used to do puzzles all the time when i was young like her.  its amazing the similarities we have, we both love to read, do puzzles, listen to music and sing really loud....

so now onto getting lunch ready...putting liz down and going about our saturday afternoon...this is the one day that everyone i love is here, together, with nothing to do but be together.  i hope when the kids get older they look back on these weekends and have found memories of their childhood...i cant wait to be THAT grandma that has sunday dinners at my house, holidays, everything family...i want my kids to tell their kids what GREAT parents they had..i want to see how many traditions they take with them to their families and what they carry on from their childhood with their kids...i cant wait!!

   so personal accountablility is  a big one on my list of being a good person or just a decent human being.  i display this as much as i can wether i be held accountable of something bad...or good.  i love posting the good but not so much the not so good....heres one of good.


   i was thinking a lot today of an old friend of mine.  her name is amanda and we were VERY close at one point in time.  she helped me through a very trying time in my life when i had little if any self esteem at all.  it was soon after my mother died that i met this little 4'10" ball of fire.  to make a very long story shorter...we met at applebees and became very close.  her mother had gone through many brain surgeries recently after she was suddlenly struck with an anurisum one day.  she might not have lost her mother but she definetly wasnt the same.  so we had that to lean on eachother for.  she was my rock, my backbone and my best friend for two years.  we moved in together and everything fell apart.  we were good for the first year, we seemed to mesh really well.  then i met todd and things suddenly changed.  amanda started lashing out at me for things she wouldnt explain why to, i found out i was pregnant and i couldnt handle the stress of it everyday so i moved out, we stopped talking.  finally she called one day, apologized and we met, had dinner and things were great again.  until that christmas season, she came over for a "family" xmas with with kelly and we havent heard from her again.  she was super close with kaila and would tell her to call when she was over here and they would get together.  one day kaila asked to call and amanda's number was disconnected.  we never got another number.  she didnt show up to the reception and never responded to the xmas card we sent her.  if i didnt ask the right people from time to time if theyve even seen her i wouldnt even know for sure she was alive and kicking. 

    so today i was determined to write her a letter letting her know that i am hurt by all this, kaila was hurt by her "dissapearance" from us.  but then i stopped and said...ok before you write this letter lets right a really happy letter to balance out the sad letter.  so i wrote two ltters!!  i wrote my neices in detroit and told them all about the wonderful things going on in our lives and asked about theirs.  i love those little girls and dont get to tell them that enough.  i felt really good for writting those two that i still havent wrote the first intended letter.

  i dont think i will...maybe but not today.  i like to think that i dont even need to...maybe just be happy with the good ones i can write and that one wont seem so important to get off my chest.  only time will tell but i am thankfull for you girls for giving me someone to write happy thoughts and loving comments too.

   

week in review

     well this last week started off slow and steady...monday anyway...

     tuesday we all went to pick up kaila since wednesday the big storm was coming and so there would be no school, she stayed wednesday night also.  thursday she went home and everything was normal, friday came and she came here early morning because she wasnt feeling good.  i went and picked her up and we started our weekend.

     saturday morning i woke to take kaila to urgent care, she had a temp of 102 and was shaking and just not feeling well.  i took her in and they took a strep swab, a flu swab, and a chest ex ray to rule out pneumonia.  we left with a prescription for lots of fluid and tylenol and a positive test for flu.  in my attempt to find a silver lining no matter what is going on i latched onto "its not the puking flu..." i thanked my stars for that let me tell you...

     so i call kaila's dad to let him know what was going on and ask him if he could come and pick kaila up and take her to his house for the rest of the weekend.  this was to avoid the rest of my house getting sick and is she were to be at my house she would be quarantined to her bed watching movies until her fever was consistently broke.  well to my disappointment he said that although he didnt have to work the next day he too was not feeling well and couldnt take care of kaila because he was sick and wanted a nap.  so kaila stayed with me until monday night.  i decided to keep her at my house an extra day to make her fever was good before she went back to school.  no reason to infect other kids and josh had to work so i knew it would be tough to find someone to watch her especially sick.  i love my kids and when they are sick you see the mama bear come out of me. 

     kaila was in her bed for three days.  she got out only to shower, eat meals, and go to the bathroom.  even when she was feeling really good i still had her watching movies.  thankfully her fever seemed to break last night so she came out with the family after todd took bradley home.  i hope he was away from her enough to stay flu-free.  liz didnt meet a flu-free fate.

    this morning she hadnt made a peep and it was 9am...so i went in and found her in her crib her hair plastered to her face, pink cheeks, shaking.   i had a dentist appointment at 10:30 so i called the dentist cancelled and called liz's doctor and scheduled.  i took her temp and it was 103.8 so i got the Motrin and a Popsicle and some juice and tried to pump as much liquid in her as possible.  it was scary.  her hands were shaking and she was so full of fever.  long story short the doctor says her flu test is positive and prescribes her some antiviral meds to shorten the length of the flu for her.  with a little couch therapy, movies, liquid, tylenol, motrin and love she has a very low temp and is active at least as much as she can be on the couch.

   i have been feeling not so great but i think too that i may have been psyching myself into my symptoms.  i hope that at least.  i cant get sick.  im mom, i have to be there when everyone else gets sick.

   i would like to end this week in review blog saying a HUGE THANK MY STARS to my husband Todd Ontis.  this man is my partner for sure...while i am trying to keep kaila company now and then in her room, constantly checking on her to see if she needed anything or take her temperature, bring her food, get her in the shower....and taking her to the doctor one day, liz another...my husband was doing laundry, cooking meals for the family, doing the dishes, cleaning the bedding not only for me to make me feel better while i was feeling sick he changed and washed all of kaila's too.  he sprayed the whole house down with lysol for us thank god!!  this man has my back, is a wonderful father, is a great provider, and a wonderful human being.  this man is my soul mate.  thank you for having my back, picking up my slack, letting me take care of the girls, keeping bradley and liz happy while i had to give my attention to kaila...youre the best todd and i will never let you forget it.  thank you for being you, marrying me, and making me the luckiest woman on earth!!
    

sick days of winter

     what a weekend....kaila was sick friday so i went to get her early...brought her home hoping it was a cold and she would be ok...nope, flu

     so i call josh and say "hey can you come get her so that my other kids dont get it..." needless to say he didnt and wouldnt do it...thanks buddy...great dad there

     so now i sit here sick too, liz is coughing and telling me mama i dont feel good and my whole house is one big germ....I HATE BEING SICK!!!!!!!!!!

BAM...hit by a bus...

     after my mother died suddenly in 2005 i have become very aware of my mortality...when my grandmother died i thought i grasped it then but i was only 16 and who really grasps ANYTHING at 16? 

     i figure my body is all i really have in this world that is absolutely mine...i am responsible for it 100%...other than the DNA and the inner workings of things yet to come....but what goes into it, how much good and how much bad....so after i got pregnant with liz and gained 40lbs, i immediately went to the doctor for a physical...full blood panel...since that day,  ive been treating high triglycerides (like in the 500's when they are supposed to be in the 100's...or lower)
    
      triglycerides are the fat in your blood...leads to cholesterol problems, heart disease, risk of stroke....the higher the number, they higher your risk...my cholesterol amazingly is good...i take two different prescriptions for it...a very concentrated fish oil and a statin to keep the cholesterol in check...along with changing my diet this has been a rough journey of a roller coaster of numbers in the past two years,...

MORTALITY check #1....your mom died at 48 from a cancer that she never knew she had until she was in a hospital with a tube down her throat...
MORTALITY CHECK #2....you are at a HUGE risk of heart disease...stroke...hear tattcks...then i get an ultrasound on my thyroid to check why some number was low....
MORTALITY CHECK #3...i have a 2 inch lump of swollen thyroid gland on my right thyroid, its what you could call a goiter (spelled that wrong) but thank god it doesn't stick out far enough so that i look like Frankenstein...it is so big that it has basically shut down the left...thank god because if the left gave up instead of it just shutting down that could cause cancer

      my mom was an infant when my grandfather and grandmother adopted her.  her mother had an affair with a married man and got pregnant, her parents sent her to a "home" for unwed pregnant women, she had my mother and went about her life...we found this women right before mom died and she told mom that she had no idea who she was...she didnt exist and thanks for the call...soon after mom got a call from a woman claiming to be her sister and the sister explained how mom came to be and that their father knew nothing about it and was violent and would flip out if he knew about mom now.....her biological father is unknown...so we know NOTHING about our medical past...we started out with mom in our history of medical conditions in our dna...so far...cancer, heart problems, and thyroid issues...

     i hold myself accountable for a lot of things that could have brought these problems on or at the very least irritated them...poor diet for many years, smoking cigarettes for 16 years...A LOT of cigarettes...i was definitely a chain smoker...actually with all the "bad" things ive done to my body over the years i definitely did it to its full potential...and its about time to knock it off...

     i know that i will not live forever...i remind myself everyday that i was given a gift by opening my eyes this morning in my bed, next to todd, healthy enough, with liz to go get out of her bed...when i go to bed i thank whatever it is out there that controls my destiny for the day that i had...we are NOT guaranteed tomorrow or even a healthy tomorrow...ANYTHING can happen to you...take the boring as calm...take the bad as a need to find an appreciation for the good...take the good as a reward for your appreciation of the bad and the acceptance of boring...

    i will never again invite bad or negative for any reason into my life...i enjoy feeling happy, calm, and good about myself and my life...i honestly believe that good people at the very least have a better chance to live longer, happier, more full filling lives...what else are we really here for?  we are born, grow at our parents hands, have our own kids, raise them, die....so in between point a. birth and point b. death...why not do it happy?  why not raise really happy, good kids so you can spend time with your grand kids and love them and have sunday dinners and holidays and happy family times so when you hit point b..death you look back and you are proud of everything that has your name on it...the people whom you touched...the lives you left behind..

     no matter who you are or what you do you make some kind of impact in the world while you are here...i know some whos impact is bad...just nasty bad...nasty to people, nasty to their "family",  nasty, mean, cold hearted people....i know people who are almost saintly compared to me and what i have done...it takes all kinds to make this world and i for one want to be one of the people who made a positive impact on those in my life...family, friends, pets, shit even strangers...i try to smile and say hello to whoever i encounter in a day...i may get a smile, a frown, sometimes i get dirty looks but i dont care...the one person who smiles back even though they WANT to frown is worth all the "dirty" "what the fuck you looking at bitch" looks i get...

     thank you todd for making my life so damn great!! i love that i stay here with elizabeth and we know each and every one of our kids...what is going on with them, what they like, who they love...simple..but not everyone can say that!!  thanks for providing the food in the fridge, the propane making heat...thank you for making me a better person today than i was even yesterdays!! i love my life and everything in it..even the bad...makes me appreciate the good....i cant even begin the total list of what i thank you for todd aaron ontis...but as i take each step througout my day i can think of at least ten surrounding me..right down to the appreciation i get for you from watching daytime talk show...those people are FUCKED up...you dont cheat, lie, hit, steal...youre the most responsible person i have ever met...and  I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!  thanks...thanks...thanks....!!!

     dont question your mortality even if you have a clean bill of health...love everyday like its your last because out of the blue it could be...BAM you could get hit by a bus!!

the stick in my ass....

     i dont know what makes me sicker...parents that suck or kids that suck.....


     some say that i have a "stick in my ass" when it comes to parenting and that is ok...its your opinion, i would rather you say that i have a stick in my ass because some parents could use my stick to beat their kids....


     from time to time i check the facebook page of one Tyler Ontis.  tyler is the son of todd's former wife and todd adopted him and gave him his name, a great life, and lots of chances.  i came into this kid's life when he was 13 and he was ok...he was polite, and good to bradley todd's youngest son so i could never understand todd's frustration with him, i would call him on his weekends with the kids and he always sounded so worn out and frustrated....it was ALWAYS because of tyler doing this or that...i could tell he was a handful....he never really acted out when i was around but that was probably because they lived in kalamazoo and i in mt. pleasant so i didnt really get around much. 

     by the time i was pregnant with elizabeth and todd was moving up here with me i really saw what this kid was about....heidi would call todd wringing her hands saying she couldnt handle him anymore and todd needed to step in....i told him just to give the kid a chance and maybe tough love was what he needed....14 years too late...nothing we did helped this kid...we gave him rules, guidelines of what was accepted and what isnt....chores, and a good life with lots of opportunity.  todd even got him a job the last summer tyler was ever here...

     well because this kid has never been made to own up to anything in his life, he fucked up his job, was running his mouth, lieing all the time, and just making us miserable. we sat him down and explained that lieing wouldnt be tolerated, nor putting his hands on his little brother, or his disrespectful mouth and we gave him the choice...if you dont like it here and dont want to be here...then dont....tyler came back for liz's first bday party, and that was the last time he was ever here....

      heidi for some reason needs to be this kid's best friend, no disciple, no consequences for actions and everything is given to him....he has a cell phone, he gets to go hang out, he has a nice comfy life...thats why i am convinced he is going to be locked up before his 18th birthday....his facebook page is full of weed this, weed that.....fuck this and fuck that....my moms a bitch, shes pissed because i hit bradley (who is 7)

     for some reason the family seems to bring him to the xmas party they have every year even though we dont even talk to the kid anymore and this year was the best.....he comes up to me and hands me a rolling paper and proudly tells me thats what he uses when he smokes his weed....GREAT PARENTING!!!
i told him to get out of my face....he quickly retreated....

     i feel bad for so many people in this equation.....he is never going to amount to anything in life, IF he passes high school i will be super surprised...he doesnt care about anything and thinks he is invincible because there have been very few consequences to his actions and i think the only have been when he was here...i feel for bradley...poor guy, he is such a loving little boy and if we had him more than we do he would be even better...but sadly he lives with heidi and this asshole of a 16 year old brother who is way less of a role model....i feel bad for todd whom i am sure feels like a failure when it comes to this kid...but really what kind of an impact can he have on him when he was only here 8 days a month...he pays monthly for this kid to eat, have clothes, and live and tyler could care less...last todd heard from him is a phone call saying "can i use the snowmobiles"  ya right tyler you get NOTHING...EVER

    im not saying that i am the best parent in the world by any means but i can promise this, my kids that i raise are going somewhere...and not to a jail cell where this kid is going....i just dont get it, todd is the best thing that ever happened to this kid and he shit on him time and time again....well with the recent fall out of some of the family and our family we wont have to endure his face anymore and when he is 18 we are no longer financially or legally responsible for him or his stupid actions...two years....

    when your friends are telling you that you should pay as much attention to school as you do your "love" of your girlfriend and wether you will see her today or not....maybe you should pay attention...but i guess he never really had a chance since his mother is his best friend and not a parent....let this be an example to those of you out there who feel like they dont want their kids to hate them...if they dont at sometime in their lives than you arnt doing your job and they are going to turn out such as the example above....i think maybe you need my stick....

the guide to bein good...as i wrote it!!

     what truly makes a person a "good" person?  there are so many different opinions on this I'm sure.  i will list my top 10 things that makes a "good" person....see if yours match up....

1. personal accountability- you have to be able to accept that your decisions are yours and so are your mistakes...if you make them, own up to them and be accountable for you...don't blame others or the world in general for what you have brought onto yourself.
2. honesty- i know its hard and sometimes hurts others but if you lie even just once there will always be that thought of "is that the truth" when it comes down to something super important....
3. a love for life- its super hard to be around people who are always down, grumpy, gloomy....kinda like the donkey off Winnie the pooh...."just another gloomy day"...it will definitely bring you down
4. manners- there are so few of these today...parents dont teach their kids the basics, please, thank you, excuse me....it is a sign of a good person if you and your children have manners, they are the essence of a good person
5. a willingness to forgive- we all make mistakes and if we can own up to them then it is an easy thing to just forgive...not everyone has this ability..they foster hateful feelings and thrive on them
6. a need to succeed- i mean this as success at anything...cooking a meal you never have, going to the mailbox when you normally dont, doing a crossword puzzle, right down to the heavier things in life...take the good and make it better
7. patience- not everyone will think like you, act like you, react like you would, or do things like you do and you need to be able to process this and go with it, dont make people feel stupid because it isnt your way...or what you know or are used too...people are individuals for a reason
8. you want the best in life no matter what-  we can walk away, take another route, or just close a door to things that are bad or hurtful but you need to still want the best for whatever or whoever chose to do you wrong...they are still people and need to be forgiven and loved no matter what..you dont have to make it known to them but you can still have love in your heart and want the best for them no matter what
9. a rational outlook on right and wrong...morals- it goes along with manners, morals these days are looked on as being weak or disinterested...not true...we need to install these everyday things in kids so they grow to be good people...if you hurt someone say youre sorry, if you break something own up to it, be good to people and make good decisions
10. discipline- whether it be self disciple or just disciplining your kids...there needs to be a consequence for every action whether good or bad and kids need to know this, too many of them are coming up in this world with an attitude of i can do what i want, when i want and nothing will happen...this sucks but continues to happen, there has to be disciple first...then be the best friend to your kids when they have kids...we would have less kids having kids and killing kids....period..

take it for what it is...these are just my opinions but i believe i have lots of people in my life that are "good" people and i am thankful for them everyday!!

lunch with kelly!!

   i have to laugh at my bff kelly quinn...she sits on my couch and im filling her in on what lovely happenings are going on at the ontis house and i inform her that i blogged about her the other day...expecting since she follows it that she would already know this, she says "oh, ill have to read that"..i giggle and she says "well i read the first three...theres probably more now huh?"  oh kelly i love you and your busy ass life!!

     todd and i have decided that i need a little more "me" time and as a resolution this works out two ways!  kelly and i are going to try to have a least one lunch a week/month together so i can get out..this week is Italian Oven..i LOVE LOVE LOVE their pesto ranch dressing and cant find it anywhere else...my mouth is watering now as i type!!

     recently todd has gotten in touch with a few of the "ontis" family....his dad passed away in 2005 (weird...so did my mom) and he hasn't been in touch with any of that family since the funeral and its about time that he did.  with the recent falling out of us and his mother and stepfather he definitely could use a little family acceptance and love...hopefully this will all work out and we will schedule a impromptu reunion with them all in Detroit where they live...then we can go visit my sister and her family too!!

     2011 has been kinda boring but that is great, boring means no drama and that is fab...if you have drama to bring...no pun intended...keep it for your mama....we dont want it or need it....so thats that!!

love all those who love you and pray for those who dont...its ok!!

to those i have loved!!

following in the tradition of my new attitude this year im gonna let a few people know that i appreciate them and why...

Todd Ontis...my loving husband who is the first man ever to love me for who i am, i talk a lot, im loud, i wear my feeling on my sleeve, i dont like to go to bed angry and i have to talk everything out....you have given my children and i a wonderful life that i never could have dreamed of before you...elizabeth adores you and she is such a sweet little girl, without you there would be no liz!!  when im sick, you stand by my side and take care of everything in the house that i usually do...when im sad youre there with a supporting hug and a shoulder to cry on...you are committed to making this family the best it can be and you protect us with all your might...love you todd and im thankful for you

Kelly Quinn....you are the best friend a girl could ever have!! ive had my fair share of "friends" in my life but i have never had one like you...youre patient, trusting, loving, caring, and just a wonderful person all around.  youre there for me when i need you and you keep me company when im lonely..i know that in a jam or just for fun you will always be there...youre closer to my children than some of their family even is...liz loves her aunt kelly and kaila and bradley get very excited when they know you are coming by...love you girl more than you know!!

Cynthia Trexler.... my sister, what can i say...we started off rocky, but definitely gained a new level of respect and love for each other when mom passed...you are my rock, my backbone when i need it and you set me straight when i need it too...i hope that i can have the strength you have and the love you show when i need it...youre the best and your kids are the best too!! love you and im so proud of everything youve accomplished!!

The Zellers....maryann, kevin, and alisha let me just tell you without you we wouldnt be where we are...you took our baby when we got married and spoiled her with all the love in the world., kevin you make sure your wife is the happiest woman alive and i really respect your marriage and hope that when todd and i are 5 years in we can look at each other with the love you two have...alisha you are a wonderful girl with great values and a kind heart...you love my kids and they love you...im very proud to say that you are an influence in their lives...thanks zellers!!

The Vaughns...we have just started our journey together and i have to say that amy you are an inspiration to me, not only do you manage your household, you are a fantastic mother to two beautiful, caring, loving, sweet, smart kids who have opened their arms to us many times.. you go to school and you have a presence about yourself of a strong woman who is in charge of her own destiny...you and ron are so cute together and have a love that i hope that todd and i have after 15 years together ( i think youve been together for 15...)...you guys mesh so well and love each other so deeply...love you amy, ronnie, keirsten, and ron!! we appreciate you!!

Luanne Auyon...aunt lulu you and i have had a rocky past but we definitelyy have teamed up to become a great team to help papa...i respect everything you do for my grandfather and your father...without you i dont know where he'd be...you put up with his outbursts and love him unconditionally...i will always be here for you and thank you for who you are!!

bottom line there are so many people that i would like to throw a high-five to and thank for being so wonderful to our family...we thank you for being there and will return the favor whenever needed!!

Hey...ive got a secret...

     i hit an very low, dark, self destructive state in my life for about a year after my mother died.  when i finally got my head out of the pool of grief it was drowning in i got a job, a home, a regular schedule with kaila and i was living what i considered to be doing great....the grief never really left and there was still a lot of sadness in my heart and i really had no feeling of hope for my life, i was super moody, i lashed out A LOT and one day my boss Kathy Shoe says to me "alright crystal, whats going on with you?"  and i really didnt know how to explain it to her because i didnt know what was wrong....all i knew was i had a HUGE ball of anger in my gut and now and then it would flare up and i couldnt control what i said, who i said it too...i was a bitch...i didnt want to be and it made me sad that i couldnt make it go away.   so i simply said..."i dont know...i dont want to be like this, i just cant make the angry feeling go away"  she asked me if i had seen the movie "The Secret" and i said no, id heard of it though it was on Oprah's book list but never seen the movie nor read the book.  she suggested that i get it, it may help me.

     two days later she hands me a dvd case and it is "The Secret"...i took it home and watched it and cried, and cried and cried....then i watched it again....and cried....

     this isnt a movie per say...it is a self help documentary and if you dont like sitting through something on the history channel you wont make it through it but if you can...it will change your life, i honestly felt like i was cleansed of the bad feelings that wouldnt go away.   basically it gives you the tools to have a happy life.  you have to dedicate yourself to having a positive attitude and being grateful for what is in your life and positive things will come your way...you want money...you can get it, you want stuff you can get it, you dont want to get sick...you can make it happen.  sounds weird and cheesy but i tell you what...it works and its true.  so i went back to work the next day, gave kathy her dvd back and a huge hug and i told her that i had nothing to lose, why not give it a try...and i was truly happy after that and lived by the secret for a long time.  i had a lot of good come into my life at that time, i made lots of money at work, i had great sections, i met todd, i had a nice house, kaila and i had the best relationship we had ever had...things were good.

     somewhere along the way i jumped off the secret bandwagon...and believe me bandwagon i was on..i made my sister watch the movie and read the book, my brother in law, todd was in a bad place to with his divorce and feeling low about himself and he watched it, bought the book for me....he actually used to carry the dvd with him in his computer bag when he was out of town and he would watch it from time to time and he truly was happy....but he fell off too...from time to time we would say to each other "its the secret" or "youre not following the secret"....

     in 2011 i am desperate for a great year...im not saying things arnt going to happen but 2010 went out really shitty for awhile...and karmically its time for good.  there has to be a balance to everything in life no matter what it is...where there is good there is bad...period.  there was an EXACT balance to my year in 2010....and now its time for good!!!  thus starts my new attitude, hopefully i can hold onto it, it is not an easy task that is for sure.  i have never had the best self esteem or self confidence of someone who is considered a "strong" person.  i have my strengths dont get me wrong...im a great mom, if i need to get something done i just do it...get it done and over with...im very passionate im not good at hiding my feelings....Eric Francis was another manager at applebees i was close with and he used to tell me all the time that if he could change one thing about me it would be me wearing my feelings on my sleeve.   this doesnt mean that im going to get in your face and "tell it like it is" im not that girl.  i believe that there are good, honest, reliable people out there because i have them in my life...kelly quinn is the most honest, reliable, trustworthy caring, patient woman i have, or will ever meet in my life.  i honestly can say that i would never do anything bad to that woamn ever...i would feel guilty thinking about doing anything to her.  so i can say there is good...i need to find it...somewhere somehow or else i will make good.  i will try my best to wake up every morning and be thankful for everything i have, my bills paid, propane, the towel on the wall that i dry myself with, the carpet on my floor, the blanket i kick off when i get up in the morning....i mean EVERYTHING, you cant help but to feel good if you really get into it and believe it.  look myself in the mirror and tell myself three things i love about me...and pep myself up...what do i want to accomplish today...make a list and get it done...and surround myself with people who want to be around me and love those who love me, forgive those who dont and refuse to let their behavior make me feel anything bad ever again, not everyone has to like me its ok... and i dont have to keep putting myself out there for them to remind me...over, and over, and over...not this year baby...its gonna be a good year and i hope that the bad when it does come isnt bad enough that i cant overcome it...let the good and the bad be moderate enough that i can get through it all.

     i want to spend more time with family, friends, and myself.  i want todd and i to come closer together and stronger as a parental unit, stronger as husband and wife and as individuals.  he is so successful right now and i am so proud of the hard work that he puts into his everyday.  he has such passion and drive, i respect that about him a lot.

     well...im done rambling now...bottom line, 2010 sucked for the most part because it also had the best  thing ever that could happen in it too...balance

     2011 needs to have happy, sad, and in between...moderate....boring....